"Nonviolent communication" excellent book review 3800 words:
is a buy quite a long time but has not read the book, why did this book will buy it? Serious memories, one is around to see someone read, say good, on the other hand was just upset because of communication problems, wish to seek professional help books.
Today, after reading this book, why he was a little disappointed not to see it sooner. It does not matter, at this moment, still very glad that they encountered such a helpful book of life, I can not wait to share the harvest I want to give you.
1 non-violent communication values
I have always believed, what values will be what kind of methodology. "Non-violent communication" as a methodology books, certainly by the author's values as a support.
As our readers, if you want to learn inside this book means of communication, in fact, is not the first to figure out the specific practices, but from the recognition of the values of the heart of the matter of communication. Otherwise, no matter which method you learned by heart how, in practice you still can not learn nonviolent communication.
So, the author of the communication of values is what is it?
Marshall wrote it in the opening, people born love life, willing to mutual assistance. This sentence means that he is the beginning of man's nature is good supporters. He believes that each person's heart is the beginning of love, beautiful. Based on this, just open a non-violent communication password love and understanding, rather than creating a love and understanding, because love exists in human nature itself.
Ah, I am very recognition of values.
2 cause of "violent" communication is
first of all to talk communication. Communication is two-way, the reason why people want to communicate, because there is a demand. I want to express my needs, or you need to be known to me. If the link bridge unimpeded communicate with each other, it does not matter the violence and non-violence. Why, then, would generate so much "violence" to communicate it in our real life situations? What hindered the communication bridge people?
First of all, the man himself is not a problem, because people naturally love life, helpful; secondly, people express their demands and this was also no problem, because people have the right to expression; it is the people in some way or carrier transfer when the demands of their own, and in this way the carrier out of the question.
For example, with moral judgments, compared with each other, coercion and even violence is the way to appeal as a carrier. Sometimes these ways to meet people's needs, people mistakenly think that this is an effective way to communicate, and then slowly to form a unique mode of communication. In fact, these habitual alienation of communication so that we and our nature is far more difficult to understand the feeling of love, unknowingly on the surrounding people have a hidden violence. Composition network Of course, if you are like a person with moral judgment or comparison to express their demands, you do not have realized this too much blame. Because, people inevitably affected the living environment and the social environment in the process of growing up, but I hope that each of us may be aware, be aware of what kind of knowledge or ideas let us use violence to communicate. When next time this happens, it is possible to replace the non-violent way of communicating. Such repeated deliberate practice, will gradually replace the original communication.
So, under what circumstances we will unconsciously choosing the wrong carrier with a "violent" in it? I think, when our own needs are not met, while at the same time we often ignore the needs of others, it is prone to violent communication.
3 expression: our own needs are not met
our own needs are not met, we will not help to use "violent." Do not deny it.
For example, we say to their children, the neighbor's children admitted to Tsinghua University and more powerful, our needs in the hope that their children can be the elite; when we do things sloppy accused colleagues when not careful there is no professionalism, we in fact, demand is hoping to put together something good to complete.
"Nonviolent communication" This book provides four steps to help us better express their demands, rather than being coerced carrier "violence".
The first step is to observe.
When needs are not met and because we want to express, first of all do not speak, but their emotions calm observation and carefully summed up in the end is what the objective facts that have occurred so that they want to say something .
For example, Kim recently to spend a little more, plus the family's financial situation is not very good, I hope he will be more rational consumption of some. So my observation is that the watch he bought last week spent ten thousand dollars. But if I say that Mr. King was a man wasteful to spend money, but it is not observed commented.
To distinguish between observation and comment, observation is to observe a particular time and context-based, non-violent communication does not encourage absolute comment. Does not distinguish between observations and comments, people will tend to hear comments.
The second step is to feel.
When the feeling is some objective facts occurred, itself brought some emotion to strengthen or reduced. Although the feelings and behavior of others related to, but not the cause of our feelings exist. Experience is an intangible thing as a human being, of existence itself.
For example, last week, Mr. King spent ten thousand to buy a watch, I feel a bit of anxiety. This element of anxiety inherent in me, just because of the occurrence of this thing to make it more obvious manifestations of anxiety.
When we correct expression of feelings accordance with the above way, others will not have too much to resist, because we express our own feelings, our own analysis of the issue. Even when we feel the weakness in, but also let the other party to communicate to quiet down, more conducive to problem solving.
But in the actual communication process, we are often not good at expressing feelings, but the feelings on something called the "idea or judgment" of the carrier. For example, in the absence of non-violent communication and learning, I might say, Mr. King spent last week to buy a watch ten thousand, spend too recklessly. In fact, I expressed my feelings with, "he spendthrift" idea and judgment, that anxiety, but to hear the other party may be a spendthrift such comments. The next dialogue is the "big spender who" launched around.
The third step is needed.
Careful thought, why do I feel the anxiety it? Because I need a sense of security.
In fact, we are not very good at expressing needs, and often to blame, criticism, commentary and analysis to express our needs and values. If you feel the next time they have to make more acts, you may wish to think deeply under, what I need is directly expressed.
Of course, we need not "outrageous" and whether an element is used as needed, the key lies in its ability to promote the healthy growth of life. Non-violent communication needs to be seen as to contribute to the healthy growth of the elements of life, rather than a specific behavior.
The fourth step is a request.
Kim last week to buy watches spent ten thousand dollars, I am a little anxious because I need a sense of security, I hope that after spending more than two thousand dollars to be able to communicate with each other to determine. The last sentence is to ask more than this sentence.
Request specific needs, what the request is not to avoid, but nothing specific to do. If I say let he will not spend money recklessly, he certainly did not know what I requested in the end yes. And so the next time the same scene appears, in fact, not his problem, because I did not clearly express their expectations.
Not all requests are able to get positive feedback, sometimes we request not be able to get a positive response. If in such a situation, we have adopted the use of punishment or psychological guilt of others, then our request into a command.
Some would say that if I follow the non-violent way of communicating well done "observation - feel - needs - to ask the" four steps, but still can not complete effectively communicate how they do it? This relates to the communication on the other hand, that is to listen. A time to remember that communication is two-way, sometimes listening is more important than expression. When the other party to give feedback to express our gratitude; when the other party do not want feedback, to listen to his feelings and needs.
4 Listen: We often ignore the needs of others
to listen and express the direction, although not the same, but non-violent communication method used is the same. Is still observed, feelings, needs, requests four steps.
Observation: Do not rush to do anything, just standing there, to listen carefully and understand his observation. But in many cases, we are eager to ask questions, give advice and methods, or comfort.
Feelings, needs and requests: heart and soul to understand other people's feelings, needs and requests.
The other party may be due to emotional problems such expression is not so clear and precise, sometimes we can take the initiative to express our understanding, to help each other understand what he meant what extent. Note that at the moment is not to ask questions, opinions or reviews, but to feel about each other that we received and the need to express it.
"You want me how to do?" The former, it is a question. "Do you want me to help you book your hotel?" Is the latter, is the expression of the other's request. However, when we are suffering itself, when not to listen to others, we can feel your feelings and needs, loud request, or a change of scenery.
Through my practice, I found that listening is something non-violent expression than the more difficult, because love is love yourself harder than others might, but only know how to love others is to love yourself. So, if you listen to others is a difficult thing, it might start with non-violent expression of their needs and feelings begin.
In fact, not only can listen to heal others, but also make us the courage to face their own weaknesses. In a sense, communication itself is a win-win process.
5 extreme cases "non-violent" to communicate: anger and coercive power
of anger is often the case there will be communication, how to adopt non-violent ways to express anger it?
Four steps: (1) to stop, in addition to breathe, to do nothing; (2) to think about the idea of what makes us angry; (3) experience their own needs; (4) the expression of feelings and unmet needs.
Sometimes between the third step and the fourth step, we need to listen to others. After getting to listen and understand the other side you can stop and appreciate our feelings and needs.
Force is the force in some special cases, special methods used in order to avoid injury. We use this method in order to protect themselves or others, rather than to punish, humiliate, or blame others.
6 "non-violent" communication moments: grateful
read this book when I realized that, although grateful everyone happy received, but the results are different ways of gratitude brought is not the same. For example, when we say "You're a nice person," we do not consciously put themselves into the position of a referee.
Non-violent communication also gives the four express gratitude information to be included: (1) the other party to do what is good for us conduct; (2) that our needs are met; (3) after our needs are satisfied mood how is it?
So, after the others know how to appreciate it! Of course, when we accept other people appreciate it, do not feel good about themselves blindly or excessively modest, we can also think about what our actions will be beneficial to others, what wonderful people to meet the demand, how to bring the good mood. It is also a constantly optimize their processes.
7 Summary
I always try to apply what I have to harvest methods, inspired more comprehensive and accurate delivery to more people, but can also often expressed as tedious and counterproductive. For example, this book review, I am a little disgusted, because too long.
That one sentence to sum up under the "non-violent communication" inspired me right: no matter when and where, we have found a good hold, expect good heart, and everyone we met friendly life communication, to fully understand the inner life of sorrow and longing.
I believe that if we hit the road with such emotion, and we'll own as well as others more harmonious link, find the beauty of life.