What makes it difficult for us to experience the love in our hearts? When thinking about this issue, I discovered the negative effects of certain languages and expressions. Although they are committed to satisfying a certain desire, they tend to ignore people's feelings and needs, leading to alienation and harm to each other. I call these languages and expressions "alienated communication methods".
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Moral judgment
Moral judgment is to judge people with moral standards. If a person's behavior does not conform to our values, then he is regarded as immoral or evil. For example: "Your fault is that you are too selfish." "He has prejudices about people." "This is inappropriate." Criticism, accusations, insults, classification, comparison, and comments are all judging people.
Sufi poet Rumi wrote: "Beyond the distinction between morality and immorality, there is a field. I will see you there." However, language traps us in right and wrong. It is good at classifying people, seeing people as good or bad, normal or abnormal, responsible or irresponsible, smart or stupid, etc.
It is important here that we do not confuse value judgments with moral judgments. What is precious quality, each of us has our own opinion. For example, we may appreciate the values of honesty, freedom, and peace. Value judgment reflects our belief-how the needs of life can be best met. Seeing behavior that does not conform to our values, we may say: “Violence is not good. Killers are evil.” However, if we learn the language of love from an early age, we will directly speak our values, and Will not blame others. At this point, we will say: "I am very worried about the use of violence to solve problems; I advocate other ways to resolve conflicts."
The root of violence is that people ignore each other’s feelings and needs, and attribute conflicts to the other side—at least the root of most violence, whether it is verbal, mental or physical violence, or family, tribal, and national violence. During the Cold War, we saw the danger of this kind of thinking. American leaders viewed the former Soviet Union as an "evil empire" dedicated to destroying the American way of life; former Soviet leaders viewed Americans as "imperialist oppressors" trying to conquer them. Neither party acknowledged their inner fears.
Compare
Comparison is also a form of judgment. In the book "Let Oneself Live a Misery", the author Dan Greenberg wittily reveals the impact of comparison on us. He advises readers to compare with others if they really want to live a miserable life. He introduced several exercises to beginners. The first exercise is to show a life-size full-length photo of the perfect man or woman according to the standards of contemporary media. He advises readers to measure their own body size first, and then compare with the size of the beautiful or handsome guy in the photo, and experience the difference carefully.
This exercise fulfilled its promise: in comparison, we began to feel that we were living miserably. At this time, our mood is extremely depressed. However, turning to the next page, we found that the first exercise was just a warm-up exercise. Since physical beauty is not particularly important, Greenberg now asks us the more important thing: achievement. He randomly selected a few people from the phone book for readers to compare. He claimed that the first name he saw was the great musician Mozart. Greenberg listed the languages Mozart could speak and his major works in his youth. He then advises readers to think about their current achievements, compare them with Mozart's achievements when he was twelve years old, and experience the difference with his heart.
Even if readers do not do the above exercises, they are likely to think that we are more blind to our love for others.
Avoid responsibility
We are responsible for our thoughts, emotions and actions. However, the phrase "have to" is widely used. For example: "Regardless of whether you like it or not, there are some things you have to do." Obviously, this expression downplays personal responsibility. "You let me" is another commonly used phrase, such as: "You broke my heart." At this time, our way of expression ignores the
inner roots of our emotions .
Once we do not realize that we are our masters, we become dangerous people.
Tough
The language most of us use tends to judge, compare, command and blame, rather than encouraging us to listen to each other’s feelings and needs. I believe that the basis of alienated communication is the theory of evil nature. For a long time, we have emphasized that human nature is evil and the control of nature through education. This has caused us to often have doubts about our own feelings and needs, so that we are unwilling to experience our inner
world.
Alienated communication methods originate from hierarchical or authoritarian societies, but also support them. For kings, tsars, and nobles, it is in their interest to train their subjects to have a slave-like mental state. The expressions "should", "should" and "have to" are particularly suitable for this purpose: the more people are used to judging right and wrong, the more they tend to follow authority to obtain correct and wrong standards. Once we focus on our own feelings and needs, we are no longer good slaves and good subordinates.
chapter summary
People naturally love life and are willing to help each other. However, the alienation of communication makes it difficult for us to experience the love in our hearts. Moral judgment is one of them. It regards people who do not conform to our values as immoral or evil. Comparing is also a kind of judgment, it will deceive one's love for others. The alienation of communication also dilutes our sense of responsibility for our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. . In addition, the hardship of a strong man can also cause spiritual barriers.