Summary:
Everyone has a potential mate selection standard in their hearts. This paper studies what people base on to decide whether another person can become their qualified partner, what is the critical point of becoming their own qualified partner, and the dynamic changes of the mate selection standard , and the social normalization of why the other party does not break up when the other party no longer has the conditions for a qualified partner.
Section 1. Background
In our society, people are naturally fond of certain people and naturally dislike certain people. For example, in a stranger dating activity, assuming that all the people participating in the activity are people you have never met and know nothing about, in this case, in fact, it only takes a minute for you to know who you feel very familiar with. Being close, there is an inexplicable attraction, and you know who you feel disgusted, and you don't want to have contact with them, imagine that if they dare to have physical contact with you, you will be very resistant.
As explained in the book "Intimate Relationship", this is because of the overall reaction to the values and aesthetics that everyone experiences constantly in the process of growing up from childhood to adulthood. For example, for a girl, if her father established a tall, stalwart and kind image when she was young, in such an environment, this part of the experience will be imprinted in the girl's brain, and they will also want to find it when they grow up. A guy with these qualities makes a boyfriend. This is very likely to become part of her aesthetics and values in choosing a spouse. Later, she experienced some changes after her first boyfriend, and some changes after her second boyfriend. Not only that, she The changes also come from her girlfriends, her neighbors, and so on. Therefore, everyone’s aesthetics and pursuit when choosing a mate are the total result of all her past experiences. Of course, there are also aesthetic choices endowed by innate genes. kind of gender. Homosexuals are often genetically determined.
This is not difficult to understand. In the process of dating, some people clearly agree that everyone agrees that they are good people, but I just hate him. And some people are obviously not very good, and they are not sincere in love and are very caring, but they just can't help wanting to get close to him. This is the result of aesthetics and values from all past experiences. When I meet a person with bad conduct, because many other characteristics are very in line with my own aesthetics, this kind of gravity makes me fall into a situation where I can't extricate myself. Even if I know it is impossible, I want to make a decision. It is a very difficult choice. This kind of thing has happened countless times in our lives. Countless people have experienced such pain, and the final result will not end well.
Second section ,
Sometimes some friends will ask me, what kind of girls do boys like, whether double eyelids look better than single eyelids, whether long legs look better than short legs, and so on.
In fact, these are really no standards. A beautiful woman with long legs, in the eyes of some people, looks like a fairy, but in the eyes of others, she is not very attractive. It is not a magical thing that some people who are recognized as not so good-looking can sometimes find a partner who is more surprising to everyone. Just like we always meet some very weird and incredible people around us, such as very stingy people, messy, unreasonable people, unhygienic, and very sloppy people. But you will find that no matter what kind of people, most of them can find their own partner in the end. At this time, you may wonder in your heart and meditate: "I am also convinced. Anyone can find a partner these days. ".
So next, let's analyze what conditions people depend on in choosing a mate.
We know that because of their different experiences and living environments, each person will form their own different standards of aesthetics and mate selection. But for the perception of beauty, there is actually a preference. For example, a boy smokes and drinks alcohol, does not do his job properly, and is idle all day long, but because of his cold appearance, he can actually attract some girls, and hold the girls' hearts firmly. Some people may say that those girls are ignorant. Obviously this answer is not convincing. We need to rationally analyze why this is?
People have different preferences for the perception of beauty. For example, the girls mentioned above are attracted. Obviously, the reason why they are attracted is divided into two aspects.
First , analyze the shortcomings of boys: In the past life of girls, they have never or rarely come into contact with people like smoking, drinking, and idleness, or even if they have, it has not brought them any bad influence, so Not enough to make them leave a bad impression. So in this context, these seemingly bad things are not that important to them. These shortcomings and bad habits for most people can be turned a blind eye to them, and they don't have any bad feelings. Even if others tell her that this is a very bad behavior, they may think it's no big deal, so It can be seen that their preference for this habit is very low.
On the contrary, if you have been questioned in this regard, or even tortured in related matters, as is often the case with your ex-boyfriend, and you have received cold violence or even domestic violence in the process of persuading your ex-boyfriend. For those who have had such an experience, the degree of preference for these shortcomings will be so great that they will directly pass this person without considering that he still has some advantages. So these people will definitely not accept a man with these shortcomings.
Of course, only some extreme and exaggerated cases are used here to illustrate. In fact, in our real life, there may be many things that determine a person's aesthetic and value preferences.
Second, look at the advantages of boys: the cold appearance is highly preferred by these girls who are attracted. Therefore, winning at a high degree of preference can truly capture the heart of your partner. Why is it high, I won't explain it here. In fact, the same as above, it is due to continuous experience and living environment, different levels of life experience plus different living environment, plus some other reasons of my own, forming different degrees of preference for different objects. However, in genetic theory, human genes will also have a certain impact on this. For example, different gene sequences have corresponding different performances. Some people are born with what kind of taste, tone and so on because of their genes. If this is reflected in the opposite sex, the corresponding degree of preference will also be reflected according to the strength of gene expression.
Through this explanation, we can conclude that people have preferences for aesthetics. And the degree of preference can act anywhere. Such as face shape preference, lip preference, eyes, eyebrows, skin color, skin texture, hair length, leg length, voice, body smell, taste in clothes, profound knowledge, talent, personality, habits, etc. Every specific detail, partial, and overall has a different preference.
So we can come to a conclusion that when a person sees another opposite sex, the brain actually starts to examine the other party without deliberately, and quickly draws conclusions on the different preferences of the opposite sex within a limited time. At that moment, it was actually possible to know whether it was possible to have something to do with the other party. Here I want to explain. We often see such stories in TV dramas. A likes B, but B doesn't like A, but in A's strong devotion, all kinds of selfless, great love, even willing to sacrifice their lives for love. After countless efforts, they finally got B's admiration, and the two finally found true love and lived happily together.
Here, I want to tell everyone that this kind of thing only exists in the story, and it is unlikely in real life. Why do we say that, we can try to reason.
Let's assume, for example, that our hypothetical object is a sweet girl who has the following high preference aesthetics, tall, cold voice, and humorous. She feels that being tall can give her a sense of security, that her cold voice can make her feel that her boyfriend is masculine, and that humor can make her feel that life is rich. Here is just an example, everyone has their own preferences in life. Which one they prefer depends on their preference. We have already stated that our hypothetical object likes boys who are tall, have a cold voice, and are humorous. At this time, the person who likes her happens to be a guy who is of average height, has a slightly ugly voice, and is not humorous. This kind of thing is very common in life. So not surprisingly, the suitor will be rejected, but through unremitting efforts, such as giving gifts, flowers, and making all kinds of small surprises, can the hypothetical object be moved, and the true love will be obtained from then on, and the two will be happy forever What about living? I think, for the hypothetical subject, even if he is very moved, but imagine that he has to face a person who is not tall for a long time, and his voice is still ugly, and he is not humorous. Why do you think that if we are together, From then on, we will live together for a long time, but it is a kind of pain and torture. Life is also boring. It is a kind of joy and satisfaction to be with someone who satisfies one's own aesthetics, but to live with someone who does not satisfy one's own aesthetics will lose this joy of life.
You can put yourself in your shoes and think about it, if a person who does not meet your aesthetics pursues you, even if you are moved, will you spend the rest of your life with him forever without hesitation, obviously not. This pursuer can move our hypothetical object for a while, but we must know that if you stay with someone who makes you feel joy and satisfaction in your heart for a long time, you will definitely not be happy and happy. So we can draw a conclusion that no matter how much effort and hardship the suitor puts in, no matter how much he loves our hypothetical object, they will have no results, even if our hypothetical object is touched temporarily dizzy, They agreed to be together, but this must be only temporary. When she regains her senses, she will definitely look for opportunities to get herself out. So our conclusion is that there is no such story in TV dramas where the pursuer pays countless sincerity and finally makes the pursued change his mind. If you like someone and you know that you are not in the aesthetic range of the other person's high preference, then you must not make yourself stupid. Stop the loss in time and get out of the way.
We still don't want to be too absolute. This situation does not exist in most cases, but it can exist. We will talk about it below.
Section III ,
In mate selection, we already know that the advantage in high-weight preferences is a big advantage, and the advantages of low-weight preferences become less powerful, which is inevitable. But here we want to get an answer, that is, among the preferences of many different degrees of preference, what is the critical point of its synthesis? When it's a little bit worse, it's impossible, when it's a little bit higher, it's okay,
I divide countless preferences into two types, one is external, such as appearance, voice, figure, height, etc., and I call this type of preference a person's external preference; What is different, such as whether the personality is gentle, how kind to me, values, living habits, etc., are called internal preferences.
In the process of choosing a mate, we can find that some people are aimless, randomly meet what they like and are moved, and some people will set a target target standard for themselves before choosing a mate, for example, when someone chooses a mate I said before: "I must find someone who has a gentle personality, must be within a certain height range, must have a good voice, etc." Maybe some people really found such a person after choosing a mate, but more often The most common phenomenon is that the objects of mate selection are usually not quite consistent with what has been described before. We can say that when defining the standard of target mate selection, what is defined is a high-weight preference, but why is it that the mate selection does not meet these high-weight preferences, but can be successful? There are also times when the object of mate selection clearly meets these high-weight preferences, but in the end it fails.
Here, we can actually draw a conclusion, that is, it does not mean that it must be successful if it meets the high-weight preference, and it does not mean that it must not succeed if it does not meet the high-weight preference. So what does success depend on? In fact, it depends on the comprehensive value of a lot of preferences with different weights.
The comprehensive value can be understood as (N internal conditions * corresponding weight value) + (N external conditions * corresponding weight value), so the understanding is simple, that is, it is impossible for people to make decisions based on only one or two preference objects , this is irrational, but people are rational when they really choose their spouse, because it includes the opportunity cost of the choice, and they need to be very cautious when choosing a person who can satisfy their heart and accompany them for a long time . Therefore, according to the N intrinsic preferences and multiple extrinsic preferences and their corresponding preference degrees (weight values), a comprehensive value is summarized and summarized.
In addition to the comprehensive value, in the process of choosing a mate, people will unconsciously have an expected value. Assuming that the expected value of A's mate selection is above 80 points, when he meets a B, he will evaluate the inner and outer aspects of B. A comprehensive value of 85 is summed up. Since the comprehensive value of 85 is greater than the expected value of 80, then B has successfully become a potential development target of A. If B is willing, A is ready to accept B as his partner at any time. At the same time, B will also observe A in the same way. If the combined values of the two people meet each other's expected value, then in the absence of external interference (mostly refers to the absence of higher potential objects), the two Sure to be a companion.
We know that the comprehensive value is relative, because everyone's preference is different. As I said before, some people like taller ones and some like shorter ones. So different degrees of preference have absolutely different weight values. It also means that when countless people face the same person, they will get different comprehensive values. So when you meet someone who doesn't like you, don't feel that you are worthless. It's just bad luck. You haven't met the person who really appreciates you yet. And there must be that person in this world, because there are 6 billion people in the world, the probability is very high.
Therefore, the above two types of people, one kind randomly meets someone they like aimlessly in the process of choosing a mate, and the other kind is people who have clear goals before choosing a mate. Either way, they will go through this process. In such a process, I have chosen my favorite spouse. When aimless people meet the opposite sex, although they do not have highly valued and clear preferences in their hearts, they will also examine the other party and synthesize many preferences that they are more concerned about or that they do not know clearly but actually exist. Calculate (N internal conditions * corresponding weight value) + (N external conditions * corresponding weight value) , they must also have an expected value in their hearts, if not, all the people they meet will meet the expectation, this is not true realistic. So they must have an expected value (they may not have discovered it themselves). When the comprehensive value of the mate selection object is greater than the expected value, they will take a step forward, but when the expected value is far greater than the expected value, they will Very excited. In our daily life, countless men and women will have the role of a god or goddess in their hearts, which is caused by the overall value of the partner being far greater than the expected value.
Section four ,
Everyone hopes to find a mate with high comprehensive value, and comprehensive value and expected value are not the same thing. Let's look at how the range of expected value is formed, and how a person potentially sets a range for his own expected value.
Here we first make a hypothesis, assuming that all the people in this world have become 100,000 times uglier. According to the current aesthetics, everyone is too ugly to see, but since everyone has become ugly in the same proportion, in fact it is It is equivalent to no ugliness, so we can draw a conclusion that people's perception of beauty and ugliness is not absolute, but relatively obtained through comparison. In the same way, if all the people in the world become irritable, those who are not irritable will be considered gentle by others. So if you use this conclusion to look at how the expected value is formed, I think it is through comparison. People cannot naturally form expected values out of thin air. I think the formation of expected values usually comes from the comparison of these three aspects.
First aspect: the environment
When a person is in a certain environment for a long time, for example, there is 1 boy and 99 beauties in a dance class. Live in such an environment for a long time. For that one boy, the anchor point of his expected value of mate selection will be raised to the average or upper-middle level.
The second aspect: people around
It is undeniable that there are silent contrasts between people. You will silently compare your status, wealth, etc. with your roommates, friends, and girlfriends, and your boyfriend and girlfriend will also silently compare in your heart. So if you find a good boy or girl friend who is not as good as your friend, roommate or girlfriend in your heart, it will have an impact on your mate selection expectations at this time, thereby establishing an anchor point.
The third aspect: suitor｜predecessor
Among the suitors, the best one will be used as the anchor point of expected value, and if the predecessor is good enough, the predecessor will also be used as the anchor point of mate selection expectations.
With the suitor as the anchor point of expected value: Among the suitors, I am the decision maker, so I can choose to be it or use it as a starting point to win a better one.
It used to be the anchor point of expected value: I already have such an excellent mate, so people default to looking for a better one, not a worse one. So I will use the excellent predecessor as the anchor.
After the range of expected value is formed, it is usually not fixed here all the time, but changes dynamically in the process of continuous mate selection. Dynamic changes are nothing more than upward changes or downward changes. Let's take a look at the reasons for changes in expected values:
第一、降低预期值：比如一个高预期值的人怀揣着憧憬走向了社会，兜兜转转它发现符合自己预期值的择偶对象都有着高于自己很多的预期值，在这种情况下，长期的无法匹配符合自己预期值的对象时，会打击自己的自信心。因为择偶是双向的，肯定别人的综合值的时候，也是别人肯定自己的综合值的时候。如果遭受到了打击，有时候可能会对自己不肯定，从而降低自己的预期值来增加匹配几率，这有点像经济学中说的市场有一双看不见的手，使得供给和需求达到均衡的状态；当然也存在一些人宁愿永远单身也不愿意屈服这样的安排。其实这也是概率的问题，如果降低预期值会有更多人符合自己的预期，更多的人里就会有更大的概率是我也符合他们的预期值，所以降低自己的预期值可以获得更大匹配到对象的概率。但是别忘了，每个人对于别人的综合值都是不一样的，所以对于相对综合值比较低的人来说，你也是有可能会有一个人可以看你浑身都是优点，你可以超预期的姿态走到它的世界里。但是这种概率非常的小。因为大多数人的审美是比较趋同的，比如某些时代社会普遍认为胖一点的女人很美，现在社会又普遍认为瘦一点的女人很美。
第二、提高预期值：有的人可能认为提高预期值是人身份的提高，比如一个底层人员突然做了CEO，这时候综合值在很多人那里提升了很多，这时候追求他的人变多了导致上面说的由于“追求者｜前任”使得产生了高预期值的锚点。当然也可以是随着自己身份的提高，由于身份的提高，对比的对象也就变成了一批综合值更高的人，这时候看到相同身份或比自己低的身份的人的对比，比如自己的朋友们都找到了综合值较高的择偶对象，这也就会使得通过对比从而提高了自己的预期值。人会和自己相差不大或比自己低的人去对比。这种情况也并非一定是需要身份的提升，即使身份没有提升，身边的朋友或者追求者也是可能完成这些事情的发生。
It needs to be explained here that some people may think that the choice of a mate between a man and a woman is like the supply and demand relationship of a commodity, which ultimately needs to reach a balanced state. Everyone has their own position, and then they choose the other half that is opposite to their position. But in fact, people do not have the ability to see such a macro world, and people do not use big data analysis to position their own comprehensive value and expected value. Otherwise, how could there still be so many leftover men and women in this society. So I think people's criteria for choosing a mate are based on comparison. Dynamic changes are made through the two situations described above.
Since the expected value can change dynamically in this way, it is not difficult to speculate that feelings can be divided and shared, so many people have rational breakups. The rational breakup mentioned here is not just between lovers. Noisy separation and reunion, but a rational breakup in the true sense. One or both parties clearly see the difference between their own expectations and the other's comprehensive value, and tell themselves clearly that this is by no means what I want to propose Reasonable breakup. But there is a phenomenon, that is, when the difference does not reach a considerable level, they will not really break up.
Section five, why the difference between expectations and synthesis will not lead to a breakup
I encountered practical problems. In some cases, the comprehensive value was obviously lower than the expected value, but no breakup was proposed. When I encountered this problem for the first time, I had great doubts about my above-mentioned views, and I even suspected that everything said above was not true. For example, when interviewing a woman, she is very dissatisfied with her current life. According to the above logic, it is obvious that there is a difference between the expected value and the comprehensive value, but it is still somewhat difficult for her to propose a breakup, which makes me unable to understand. But then I discovered another phenomenon, which should explain why the comprehensive value is less than the expected value and will not break up.
For example, after working in a company for a long time, the work intensity is slightly higher than the market average level, and the income is slightly lower than the market average level, but most people will not propose to leave, they will still work hard, even if they complain, they will not offer to resign. According to the summary of this phenomenon, I think that people are dependent on a stable and familiar environment or state. For example, even if there are quite complaints in this company, but the working environment, process, leadership and colleagues in this company are already very clear. It would be contradictory to change to a completely unfamiliar environment and start from the beginning, and it is necessary to face the unknown. Courageous, would it be better to replace it? In fact, a larger one may be better, and a smaller one may be worse.
It is reasonable to use the conclusion that "people are dependent on the stable state" to explain why the difference between the expected value and the comprehensive value does not lead to a breakup. When this happens, you will find that although I have a slight complaint against you, it is not very courageous for me to change to a better one to break this current stable state that has existed for a long time. Because the opportunity cost is relatively high, first, you may find a better one, second, you may find a worse one, and third, you may not find it. After all, finding a suitable spouse is not an easy task. So it can be seen that thanks to this 'steady state dependence' and loss aversion, how many couples whose relationship is not so good is maintained.
Just like working in a company, working intensity slightly higher than the market average and income slightly lower than the market average does not lead to a wave of resignation, but when the work intensity is much higher than the market average and the income is far below the market average, it is enough to break It breaks people's dependence on the steady state, which leads to the emergence of turnover waves. The same is true in relationships. If there is a large difference between the expected and the comprehensive value, the amount of savings can be enough to break the current stable dependence, and the relationship will fall apart.