Exiled Queen
Jinjian Yun
① After my dad died, my mom living longer and do not recruit people to be see.
② sent her grandson with the iPad, cooking suddenly become suddenly pale, accounting mess, locked themselves at the door, from time to time in the nursery ...... forget the grandson who would believe that my mother is a retired high school grade teacher do? I taught her to play micro-channel, travel with her, to help her buy fitness equipment with her to find old playmate, urging her to jump Square Dance ...... but still can not let her find her youthful brilliance and passion of the times, she is always lively occasions stranger.
③ on the mother in this state, I really can not understand, until one day, I found her reading a book: Arno Geiger's "exile of the old king." So sad book, no wonder she see of the more depressed mood! To criticize this a "spiritual poisonous weeds", I secretly read.
④ author describes the process of his father grow old, will suffer from Parkinson's disease father likened to a king in exile, had a familiar home environment for his father, it has become more and more strange, he was like living in a foreign land . The father bent back to his memories of home, so "know what to do scurrying around." On seeing his father slowly, "a dull boy", as if life was oozing from his body, the whole human personality a bit to miss ......
⑤ read moving place, I am sorry! For so long, I did not really understand his father's death blow to the mother's. I just blindly blame her not optimistic, do not cheer, but never look at her inner struggle and frustration from her point of view. Skim finish this book, I walked out of my mother's bedroom, she is the living room watching TV.
⑥ As usual, she was watching television in his eyes, he exudes a faint musty. Screen staged what is meaningless to her, she just loud enough voice to dilute his solitude.
⑦ I sat down, she chatted with the comedian on TV. She hesitated to deal with me, perfunctory laugh a few times. See, she was a trace of fear to me, "abnormal" performance today. Ever since his father left, she became more and more unruly girls love like a mistake, for me, there is a sense of competition is a strange tension. Perhaps afraid that I nag her, she excuse that they have to cook, leave alone put me on the sofa.
⑧ kitchen she moves very slow, often pensive stop, I do not know what to think. She picked up the salt shaker, thinking he really had no salt, pause a few seconds later, she put a little bit, plus a little bit ......
⑨ this time, I think late father. When her father had always cooking, and went over to chat. At that time, my mother fluent mouth, hands methodically. She is always in perfect order, failing to panic, put it on the table between delicious laughing.
⑩ Today, a walk, a rebuke and living in her daughter's face.
⑪ looked at the back of my mother, I feel the passage of time the huge impact - unconsciously, the mother had walked into a lonely old age, she seemed an exiled queen, unprepared to face this more for her increasingly strange world. Love her parents, husband, old friends, one by one go, the only daughter complained that she was not optimistic all day, no sun, no cheer ...... Milan Kundera's words come to my mind - "In the face life that irreparable defeat, the only thing we can do is understand it. "
⑫ such as Gao said, aging and loneliness is my mother must face the defeat of life, then I should not ask for her forced smile, lively environment should take her to those she was completely unable to integrate into the middle, we should not blame her children, housework does not take heart - if she did not know where the heart is placed, how can we talk about the heart does not go away heart?
⑬ I went into the kitchen, quietly opened her forget the open hood. I gave her a piece of candy into his mouth, smiled at her awkwardly things. The kitchen was quiet, cooker hoods of sound competition gives us understanding of warmth. My mother smiled at me, I smiled at her. Kind of a very happy feeling in my heart.
⑭ Yes, when I give up all claims to her, the kind called "understand" things, such as waving to the Holy Spirit in general.
⑮ " Mom, I would like to be able to understand your place of solitude ." I said silently.