I often mentioned a sentence before: most of the time the so-called "glass ceiling of technology" is actually just a lack of soft skills.
Therefore, fans and friends, in addition to technology, we need to pay more attention to the improvement of soft skills.
Today's article is about emotional management.
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01 Preface
In fact, my ability to manage emotions was relatively weak at the beginning. For example, in the company, I would lose my temper with the product because of a certain demand, and I would also argue fiercely with team members because of discussing a certain technical detail.
For example, at home, in the first few years of marriage, I often quarreled with my wife, especially with my parents, and I was not so patient. It may be easier to release my emotions for people who are closer to me.
After more than a year of training, I have basically mastered the skills of emotional management. I have not lost my temper in the company for more than half a year, and I seldom argue with my wife . Based on my own experience and some information on the Internet, I will tell you about it. How to manage your emotions.
02 What is emotion management?
Emotion is an internal subjective experience, but when an emotion occurs, it is always accompanied by some kind of external manifestation, such as expression, posture, tone of voice, etc.
The essence of emotional management is: on the premise of understanding and fully accepting one's own emotions, one can use rational thinking and control one's actions.
What needs to be emphasized here is that many students think that emotional management is to suppress emotions, which is actually wrong.
Emotional management is like controlling water. Water is not without roots, so it cannot disappear out of thin air; water cannot be blocked, and the more blocked, the more disaster will happen.
03 Why emotional management?
Emotional stability is the foundation of a person's emotional intelligence.
The best cultivation of a person is emotional stability.
Emotional stability is really important:
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For the family, couples/parents can reduce a lot of disputes, and the family is harmonious;
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For children, it will affect the child's character development, and even his whole life;
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For work, if you look at the bosses around you, many of them are masters of emotional management. On the contrary, those employees who often complain and lose their temper are mostly unsatisfactory in the workplace;
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For daily life, such as road rage and fights, others will teach you how to behave, but a good mood is more conducive to our social interaction.
04 Causes of emotional instability
There are many reasons for emotions, both physiological and psychological. Here I will only list some common reasons for emotional instability.
4.1 Cognitive Conflict
The source of emotions largely comes from our own cognition , that is, our emotions will only respond according to the standards of our own cognitive system, and each of us has a cognitive system that conflicts with others.
For example, my wife bought a set of SK-2 skin care products for 3,000 yuan, thinking it was an investment for young people, but my husband thought it was too expensive and completely unnecessary; for example, a technical solution, I think solution 1 is very good, but my colleagues insisted on With the second option, when the cognitions of the two conflict, there may be emotions.
Therefore, in many cases, the reason for bad emotions is because of inconsistent ideas. Many ideas are not right or wrong, so don't impose your ideas on others.
4.2 Anxiety
Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
The translation reads "Life is 10% of what happens to you plus 90% of what you react to."
What I want to say here is that most of the anxiety is your own reaction to something external.
Anxiety can have many causes:
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work/financial pressure;
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Strong demand for growth;
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Greed, hatred and ignorance;
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Facing the anxiety of the unknown;
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... ...
4.3 Caring too much about what other people think
What is more terrifying than introversion is internal friction, caring too much about other people's opinions.
Reasons for caring what other people think:
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fear of offending others;
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self-abasement;
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sensitive;
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Get used to comparing yourself with others;
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try to be someone else;
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inability to accept oneself;
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... ...
If you care too much about what other people think, you will live a very tired life.
4.4 Influence of family of origin
In the original family, if the basic psychological needs of the child are not paid enough attention and understanding by the parents, then in the later years, he will take all means and do more things to make up for what he lacks, so that he becomes lost. Rational, emotional out of control.
There are four categories of basic psychological needs:
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relationship needs;
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Independence and control needs;
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pleasure needs;
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Self-worth and the need to be recognized.
The above four needs will have a positive or negative impact on the growing child, and the mood of the mother determines the temperature of the family.
05 How to manage emotions?
As mentioned earlier, emotional management is not to suppress emotions, the more suppressed, there will definitely be a moment of concentrated explosion later.
For emotional management, not only negative emotions, but also positive emotions, if you can't control your ecstasy, then you can't control your rage either.
5.1 Avoid instant emotional outbursts
Emotional control is a muscular ability that can be practiced.
calm down for 3 seconds
For example, when I got along with my wife a few years ago, because of certain things, I was still reasoning with her at the beginning. My wife’s face was ugly and her words were full of hostility. I suddenly got angry and couldn’t control it for a while. He yelled at her directly, but after yelling, he regretted it.
For example, when the company needs to communicate with the product, the product must be so integrated that there is no room for negotiation at all, and the anger starts from the heart and directly confronts the product.
So many times, when we get emotional, you can't control it at all.
My current method is to calm myself down for 3 seconds. This will be difficult at first. You can start to try to calm yourself down for 1 second, and then train slowly until you can calm down for 3 seconds, and then to 5 seconds . This is completely doable.
If you can calm down for 3 seconds, some sudden emotions can basically be controlled.
away from the scene of the conflict
In fact, in the company, I often discuss plans with my colleagues. Sometimes I talk for a long time, but he just can't listen to it, and he is very strong. If I were the previous me, I would immediately hit the bar.
Not at all now. When the emotions come up, I will calm down for a few seconds, but I still feel uncomfortable psychologically. I will run away from the scene of the conflict, get a glass of water, or go outside for a breath, and give the other party some relief. time.
When the emotions of both parties have eased, we will continue to discuss. At this time, we can basically reach an agreement, and the effect will be much better.
At this time, the method has been tried and tested at work, and it can also be applied in life.
5.2 Digest emotions
Empathy & seek common ground while reserving differences
The source of emotions largely comes from our own cognition. When cognition conflicts, we need to learn to think differently, seek common ground while reserving differences, and must not impose our own ideas on others.
Empathy, also called empathy, is a very important skill whether in work or in life.
Seeking common ground while reserving differences is a kind of middle-of-the-road thinking. Since both parties are unwilling to compromise, then seek a compromise solution.
When we have emotions, we should calm down immediately and think about it from the perspective of others. At this time, you will find that you may do the same in this position, and seeking common ground while reserving differences can often play a role. Very good effect.
communicate more
The front is self-suppression and self-regulation, which will actually consume a lot of energy. If you blindly accept negative emotions, the problem will not be resolved, and the emotions will eventually explode.
For example, seeking common ground while reserving differences mentioned earlier is actually one of the skills of communication.
For example, in the company, when I discuss the plan with my colleagues, and there may be some disputes, I will find a meal or rest time on the same day, and go out to chat with the other party. At this time, I am very relaxed and sincere, and see what the other party thinks of me. If he did not do it right, then I would point out some of his problems, seek common ground while reserving differences, the two sides could quickly reconcile, and after a few times of communication, the cooperation was very tacit.
For example, in the family, when I find that I am about to quarrel with my wife, stop it in time, and then find a time when both parties are more relaxed to communicate. At present, this is also a common method for me to deal with family conflicts.
So don't let the problem go, the more you feel at ease, the more aggrieved and uncomfortable you feel, communicate in time, and release this negative emotion as soon as possible.
5.3 Release emotions
Emotions don't just disappear, and you need to find a way to release them as soon as possible.
Do sports, read novels, listen to music, watch movies, talk to friends to vent your unpleasant emotions, or cry a lot.
For example, I like to watch horror movies, especially when I am under a lot of pressure or anxiety, I will find a horror movie to watch. When I am quiet in the suffocating complex of horror movies, I will forget all my troubles. Afterwards, it will also "scare" myself for a long time, it is definitely a powerful shot to divert attention.
You can think about it, what is the best way to release your emotions?
5.4 Psychological suggestion
The previous three sets of combined punches " avoiding instant emotional outbursts -> digesting emotions -> releasing emotions " are my usual routines for dealing with emotions.
But when I encounter a major blow and I can't bear it anymore, I will carry out self-psychological adjustment.
How to do it?
I will recall the most difficult experience, and then compare it with the present, and say to myself, "It was so difficult back then, but I have overcome it. The difficulty now is much smaller than before, and everything will pass."
Many difficulties and setbacks, many years later, looking back on the past, everything is calm.
There are many more positive psychological hints:
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I will do it!
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Other people's business is none of my business, and mine is none of your business.
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As long as I am not embarrassed, it is someone else who is embarrassed.
5.5 Other methods
relieve anxiety
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What's the worst? All know the worst outcome, and can accept it, nothing else matters;
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Why am I anxious? How could this be so bad? How big is this worst possibility? What can I do? How much can you control? How much is out of your control?
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Try to eat well, drink well, sleep well, and relax within the existing scope of life;
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Do your best to obey the destiny;
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Simplify socializing.
don't care too much about what other people think
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think less and do more;
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accept yourself as you are;
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positive psychological hint;
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The most fundamental solution is "know yourself".
Overcome the influence of family of origin
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To get rid of the troubles of the original family is not to change the original family, not to deny the parental upbringing, but to make oneself happier;
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Accept and face, no one is perfect, we can re-look at the relationship with our parents in a more mature way:
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Economic independence, keep a distance;
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reconcile with the past;
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live at your own pace;
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Be a good parent yourself.
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Expand cognition
Cognition can make a person stronger psychologically, and a stronger person will become tolerant , and tolerant people can make a person's emotions better and more stable.
So how to expand awareness? You can read more books, such as some celebrity biographies, or you can go out more to see the outside world.
06 Summary of personal experience
First of all, avoid instant emotional outbursts, which can be practiced:
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calm down for 3 seconds
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Do not respond immediately, or simply walk away from the scene of the conflict
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speak slowly
Then digest the emotions:
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Empathy & seek common ground while reserving differences
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Communicate more and find solutions to problems
Finally, find the method that suits you best and release your emotions!
That is to say, more than 90% of emotions can be dealt with through these 3 sets of combined punches " avoiding instant emotional outbursts -> digesting emotions -> releasing emotions ".
Combined with psychological hints, anxiety relief, and cognitive expansion methods, you can make your mind stronger.
Don't promise when you are happy, don't fight when you are angry, and don't speak when you are sad.
Only by managing your emotions well can you be the master of your life.
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