Today I suddenly received a letter from a reader, so Xiaolu is also willing to devote two days to help this reader answer it.
Let’s analyze the reader’s confusion below. I think many people will have the reader’s psychology, but they are silently hidden in the psychology, afraid of being seen by others. If you analyze the problem, , And then solve it, this is the fundamental solution to psychological problems.
1、
Many people see that people around them who are in the same environment are better than themselves. They think that they are envy, jealous and hateful, and they are not good at others. Most people think that they have psychological problems and make them psychologically painful. So just avoid it without seeing or worrying about it, thinking that if you first avoid practicing for a period of time, you will feel better when you face these problems.
What Xiaolu wants to say here is that this is not about envy, jealousy, and hatred, nor is it not being good to others, but that you think too much of yourself. So what is this phenomenon in psychology? To be precise, it is called "peer pressure".
Why is it called peer pressure? Ask everyone a question, why don’t you get jealous and hate when Jack Ma is so rich? Li Ka-shing and Bill Gates are so rich, why don't they hate them? Why are people in the circle of friends? In fact, these people are not really jealous, but because the people in the circle of friends are their peers, friends, and classmates, and they are afraid of being excluded, eliminated, or disapproved in this circle environment. This is the peer pressure. It's not really jealous to bring this kind of psychological burden to him.
2、
Then the problem comes again, this psychological burden, if you don't face it, it may greatly change your behavior. It's like a very realistic example in our lives. In the company, your colleagues earn five thousand. Your best idea is to earn five thousand from three thousand, or even six thousand. Sometimes when you get jealous, you often don't think so, but inform him behind your back, make a small report or even punish him behind your back, making him fall from five thousand to three thousand, and even making two thousand is not as good as you.
If you don't face it or overcome it, you will really become the kind of jealous and cruel person.
Then you may ask, how does the peer pressure of Xiaolu come from? The conclusion drawn from my own life experience is that we live in a circle, afraid of falling behind and wanting to compete for the first place. Do you remember that when we were young, in the same class, there would always be a classmate who was always better than you, or two people with similar grades, you chased him, he chased you, two of you chased me, and it was done The results will improve, and the relationship between the two will deteriorate.
In fact, this peer pressure is accompanied by us, from college grades, to job competition, and finally you feel that you finally get married. You will say, the object of other people’s family, the children of other people’s family, this kind of thing is really true. I have heard too much at home, the bear children of my own family, learning is not effective, etc., in fact, Xiaolu attributes all these to peer pressure.
3、
We know the causes of peer pressure. Here are two situations of peer pressure: "herd peer pressure" and "competitive peer pressure".
Peer pressure is actually divided into herd peer pressure and competitive peer pressure. The so-called herd type of peer pressure is not about being jealous or not being good to others, but about being afraid of others falling behind and having to be like the people around you. This is herd type of peer pressure.
It’s the most common situation in college. It’s often encountered. One day you want to go to the library to study, read a book, and see that your roommates are playing games and watching dramas, so you can play games as well as your ideals. The drama also followed me, for fear that I was different from everyone. This kind of harm may be great, because it is just to find the "sense of belonging" and "sense of security" of a team, because people's sense of belonging and security are the most important.
In fact, many people are like this in reality. Most people are doing what they are doing, and then a few people are doing what they are doing. Some people just to be able to join the team, they lower their IQ, give up their right and wrong views and values in exchange for joining A sense of belonging and security of the team. From the perspective of sociology and history, this is herd peer pressure.
Competitive peer pressure is more interesting. You drive a 300,000 car, and look at the left side and the right side. Both are 100,000 cars. You feel happy. If you look at Lamborghini on the left, and on the right, Maserati, oh my god, you can’t live, this is competitive peer pressure, and this sense of comparison is very strong, looking for a sense of superiority.
Obviously I'm living well, and when I compare, I feel psychologically painful.
4、
After knowing the reason above, and finding the peer pressure of which category, the most important thing is how to solve it and convert it into positive energy? Xiaolu offers you several ways.
The first method is to be able to "reduce this sense of comparison." We must follow the true thoughts of the inner world, that is, what I want to do must have a constant goal. I will not compare with you casually, nor with you. This group of people struggles to have a strong heart, that is, to walk their own way. I am me, a different kind of firework. I call this method "following the true inner thoughts".
In many cases, if I insist that I am different from others, I will go to the dark one by one. It is possible that you will be really different from others in the future. That is what I shared with you, what I thought in my heart, I will not make changes easily.
5、
The second method is to "expand the value channel." There is a good saying, "Your partner fails the exam, you will be bad; if he takes the exam better than you, you will be worse", because the exam is the only one The criterion for judging him is better than others. Do you have to compare with others? Go to black one by one?
So, what does it mean to expand value channels? You have to think about more valuable things. The writer Shukami Muraki is a good example. He writes and never wins the Nobel Prize every year. He always gets a little bit close every time, but he is not discouraged. Many people come to ask. He, you will work hard next, but he doesn't know how to answer. It is now 70 years old, and life is still very comfortable. He relies on expanding his value channels and does not regard the Nobel Prize in Literature as the only value of life.
Just like our three schools, you have no academic qualifications, you still have to take the 985 and 211 exams. You have to rely on your academic qualifications to compare with others who are already 985 and 211. Isn’t it uncomfortable for you not to pass the exam? ? Must regard academic qualifications as the only value of employment in this life.
Therefore, to resolve peer pressure, we still have to start from the depths of our heart, discover ourselves, know ourselves, and then surpass ourselves.