about the author
The author of this book, Andrew Marshall, is a senior expert at RELATE, the top marriage counseling agency in the UK.
30 years of extensive consulting experience and has written columns for The Times, The Observer and The Sunday Express. 19 works have been published and translated into 20 languages.
about this book
The seven journeys in "The 7 Journeys of a Happy Relationship" refer to: understanding love, active quarreling, common goals, intimate games, balancing love and self, giving and learning from each other.
core content
1. Understand what is the nature of conflict in intimate relationships? How can you use conflict in an intimate relationship to better understand yourself?
2. How to rekindle what is most easily lost in love: the sense of attachment.
3. Through some communication exercises, re-establish a communication mode between partners. This communication mode can help you get to the essence of the problem and help avoid most invalid quarrels between partners.
foreword
"7 Journeys to a Happy Relationship"
The original title of this book is "I Love You But I'm Not in Love with You", which can be understood as "I love you, but I don't feel in love with you". Many lovers and couples, they still care about each other and don't want to hurt each other, but they have lost their passion and just want to break up. This book believes that losing the feeling of being in love doesn't mean that you don't love anymore, let alone the end of an intimate relationship. We need to understand love, or the complex set of emotions behind the word love.
The author of this book, Andrew Marshall, is a senior expert at RELATE, the top marriage counseling institution in the UK, with 30 years of rich counseling experience. Marshall found that in the professional literature of psychology, there are many couples who hate each other, but there is almost no discussion about such couples who "do not love deeply enough". Their situation can be summed up in a sentence pattern: "Although I love you very much, but...", for example, "Although I love you very much, I feel unhappy." "Although I love you very much, you make me very happy." Worry." "Although I love you very much, I want to divorce and stay alone."
Many people think this feeling occurs because the relationship has been worn down by time. But is this really the case? Does time only consume love instead of adding it? Is it the fault of time, or our own problem? The great thing about this book is that it pinpoints certain habits in life, which we often think are maintaining our daily relationships, but are actually depleting relationships, such as constant appeasement. And certain things that seem to deplete a relationship, such as fighting, are actually good for intimacy.
The seven journeys in "The 7 Journeys of a Happy Relationship" refer to: understanding love, active quarreling, common goals, intimate games, balancing love and self, giving and learning from each other. In order to facilitate your understanding and memory, I have distilled these seven journeys into three key words: conflict, attachment and positive communication.
In today's listening book, first of all, let's face conflicts in intimate relationships, understand the nature of conflicts, and explore how to use conflicts in intimate relationships to better understand ourselves. In part two, we rekindle what's most easily lost in love: attachment. In the third part, let's use some communication exercises to re-establish a communication mode between partners. This communication mode can help you get to the essence of the problem and help avoid most of the invalid quarrels between partners.
first part
First, let's talk about the most vexing part of an intimate relationship: fighting.
It is often a devastating argument that brings many couples and couples to the end of their relationship. After a quarrel, there is often no further communication and review, and the wound fails to heal and gradually festers. Marshall believes that quarrels are not as bad as we imagine, and there is no intimate relationship in the world without conflicts and quarrels. Quarrel
Fighting is also a kind of communication, which is much better than cold war and patience. We must learn to use quarrels to make problems appear, so that we have a chance to solve them.
There may be quite a few people who disagree with this statement. If there is no quarrel, both parties can bear it for a while, maybe they will get used to it, isn't it better? Marshall believes that such trivialization is suspicious, and it may allow small grievances that could have been resolved to accumulate into an unresolvable malice. One party feels pain in an intimate relationship and endures silently, while the other party only keeps comforting, saying "I am like this, my nature is hard to change, please bear with it", which will cause hatred in the heart of the comforted party. Because appeasement is to prevent the problem from being exposed, prevent communication, and force the other party to endure his unbearable emotions. Remember, appeasement should not be the whole of the interaction, it must be followed by a deep and rational communication.
Yes, there are fights and quarrels, but we can't immediately want to change someone just because there is a major conflict. Willfulness will not help growth. Even if another person is changed, two people will still have conflicts, and there is no so-called perfect love. It's important to acknowledge that there is no absolute right or wrong in a conflict, and most conflicts are often equally divided. Through conflict, we can not only recognize each other clearly, but also let us recognize some untouchable bottom lines of our own. Note that our goal now is not to ask each other, but to understand ourselves. If you and your significant other have had a big fight and haven't been able to resolve it, we can use the "80/20 principle" mentioned in the book to re-examine this conflict.
What do the 80 and 20 here refer to? Those conflicts that are difficult to resolve are often 80% related to the past and only 20% related to what is happening now. What you experience as a child can greatly affect your relationships as an adult. For example, there is a couple, Brian and Andy, who often quarrel over buying household items. Whether they should buy an expensive wool rug or a cheap synthetic fiber rug in the living room can make them quarrel. This seems to be a matter of taste and design concepts, but in fact, 80% of the reasons are due to the economic situation of their original families. Andy, who wanted to buy a woolen rug, grew up in a middle-class family with ample money. It wasn't until his father's alcoholism and business failure that the family became embarrassing. Andy believes that when you have money, you should enjoy yourself, and a wool rug in the living room can bring her the happiness of walking barefoot. Brian, on the other hand, comes from a working family that is not well off, and he has six brothers and sisters. His deepest childhood memory is that once he picked up ten yuan on the beach, and he happily gave it to his mother. That week, his mother used the money to add a few meat dishes to the family. brian
I think it is difficult to make money, and we should be thrifty. It is enough to buy a chemical fiber carpet for show. It is very irresponsible to spend money like Andy.
You see, intimacy is not just the other party's problem, nor is it just your problem, but because you and him have different past experiences, resulting in different opinions. This sentence can sum up the conflicts and quarrels that most couples have before. Conflict can expose your differences, and you just need to come to terms with those differences to have a genuinely happy close relationship.
In addition to the "80/20 principle", we can also do an exercise to further clarify our dissatisfaction and anger in intimate relationships. Make a list of the little things your spouse does that annoy you, such as misplaced bills and talking on the phone while you're at work. Take a closer look at these "bad habits" one by one, and ask yourself, why do these problems piss you off? What memories did his bad habits awaken in you? Would your parents scold you if you did this? What would your ex boyfriend and girlfriend say? What are your parents often troubled by? Think back to relevant memories from your childhood. Marshall gave an example. Kitty was very disgusted that her boyfriend could not drive and did not intend to learn to drive. Every time her boyfriend took the co-pilot as a matter of course, she was a little angry, and finally couldn't help it. Had a big fight with her boyfriend, who had no idea what she was upset about.
After she did this little exercise, she found the answer in her own childhood. It turned out that her earliest memory was of her father being dragged away in a car accident, and since then he has been blind. It was always mom who drove the car after that, year after year, and the fun-loving mom was occasionally very upset that she could no longer drink. Of course, mother's depression is not just that she can't drink, it is probably because her father is blind, too much responsibility falls on her, and even her chance to relax by drinking is deprived of her by having to drive .
In addition to events, you can also recall what your parents loved to say to you. It may be a big sentence, such as "You can treat others how you want to be treated by others" or "The world is unfair"; it may also be personal, "Look at your brother" or "Girls should not fight." Don't snatch", "A man who has tears doesn't flick easily" and so on. How did these words affect your personality or worldview little by little? How many contentious issues between you and your spouse are based on these insights? Are these words necessarily true? Do you still intend to use these ideas to guide your life in the future? Thinking about these questions will help to uncover most of the hidden problems in you and your partner, and then return to ourselves.
the second part
I don't know if you have heard such a saying: "Marriage is the grave of love". This sentence makes many people fear marriage. It seems to say that compared with love, marriage is a poor result. Marriage destroys the wonderful and fascinating feeling in love.
The previous generation stayed together reluctantly, maybe because of financial need, or maybe it was just when it was time to get married. Breaking up often means that something is seriously wrong. But now, our requirements for intimacy have become higher, and insufficient love can also be a reason for divorce. We just want to live in a relationship that excites us, but the more demanding love is, the more likely the relationship will become more tense. This situation sounds really disappointing, but we are not in a hurry to make it emotional. Now that this feeling has been created, then we should analyze: what is the "love" we just mentioned? What exactly disappeared?
Let me talk about the point of view of this book first: In marriage, what most partners lose is not love, but attachment. Love has not disappeared, and the meaning of love is very wide. Love is not only the crazy days when you are in love, but also the feeling of confirming each other after ten years of being together, caressing each other's hands. It's a pity that we often overlook this point: the word "love" roughly summarizes many complex emotions, and we need to clarify them carefully. "Love" includes three very different emotions: the first refers to the enthusiasm at the beginning of a relationship; the second refers to the intimacy of getting along day and night; the third refers to the instinct to protect children and the affection between parents. Many times, disputes between couples are caused by confusion due to different definitions of love. Clarifying the difference between love and love can make us understand love better.
If attachment is neglected, there will be alienation between partners, from "love" to "caring". Caring means we care about someone, want the best for them, and don't want them to get hurt. However, in this way, the way the fate of the other party intertwines with ours has changed, and it has become love but not love. Such "I love you" has become "I love and care for you", and the two people are no longer attracted to each other, but become a heavy obligation.
Restoring a sense of attachment between two people requires that both parties learn to re-express love, such as creating quality time together, affectionate physical contact, or expressing gratitude. The sense of attachment is mainly conveyed by the eyes. It makes sense to sing "I only have eyes for you" in love songs. When couples look directly into each other's eyes, the brain will release phenylethylamine, which is a natural endorphin. It will make us feel happy and make people feel like falling in love. Experiments have shown that couples in love spend 75% of their time looking at each other while talking.
Love each other, but only 30%~60% of couples are not satisfied. Indeed, when the other half of a person looks at himself and stops to care about himself wholeheartedly, that is the moment when a person feels loved the most.
Marshall gives a very effective exercise you can try: Call your lover by name, or put your hands on each other's shoulders. You can use light pressure to turn the other person's head away from the computer screen or where he is paying attention, so that the other person is looking at you. Wait patiently for the other person's attention to be on you, look you in the eye, and wonder what's going on. At this point you also look directly into the other person's eyes, it doesn't need to be longer than a second, otherwise it will feel like a threat, and then put a kiss on the other person's lips. Your significant other may be confused and ask you what's wrong. You don't need to say anything, just smile and walk away. Repeat this the next day.
If the other person asks you about kissing, don't take a defensive attitude, such as: "Can't you just give me a kiss?" Or even attack: "I just want to kiss you, you never kiss me ’ ” That would lead to another quarrel. You just need to explain that you have always loved eye contact when you first started dating. This practice may seem awkward at first, but after a while, it will become part of your life and you will get used to expressing your love.
There are different reasons for unhappy marriages, and couples with successful marriages often have the good habit of actively expressing love unconsciously. Expressing gratitude is an important way to express love. Some wives say, "Why should I thank my husband for washing the dishes? As if those dishes belong to me, shouldn't two people do housework together?" A husband and wife have a lifelong quarrel. Significant gestures of praise, gratitude, or caring between husband and wife are powerful and often impress your significant other. Your occasional "Did I tell you you have beautiful eyes?" or "I really appreciate you helping me while my mom was sick" will be remembered by your partner. Affectionate thanks are powerful because they can only be heard from you. So, don't be stingy, show your affection, it is much more effective than arguing.
Another way is to set aside fifteen minutes every night to chat about what happened during the day and invest time in each other. This little everyday thing is easier to achieve than a trip that you can't take on a regular basis, and it will become a sustainable habit. Or, you can also agree to have dinner together, and pay attention during the meal, don't turn on the TV or play with your mobile phone, and don't let other distractions interrupt your conversation. If one of you comes home early, try to not break the habit of eating together by eating something else first. At this dinner table, talk about your feelings peacefully. Through communication, both of you will be more willing to take on the burden of life.
Difficulties. How to talk specifically, we will talk about it in detail later in the third part. Remember, the two of you are partners, not lovers.
Before any communication begins, we must remember that it is much easier to say "he is wrong" than "I am wrong", and it is much easier to blame the other party than to examine ourselves. Blaming our partner makes us disrespectful and increasingly callous. If you have contempt for someone, it will be very obvious in your words and deeds, and no one wants to be disrespected. No matter what happens, your partner is your lover, not your revengeful enemy.
the third part
In this part, let's go through some exercises to re-establish a gentle and effective communication mode between lovers.
Before starting this set of communication, it is recommended that you and your partner do an "infatuation exercise", which is also the most immediate exercise in the whole book - just ask: "How did we get together in the first place? When we met for the first time?" How was it?" Please recall the scene when you first met.
Marshall, the author of this book, once wrote a celebrity couple column for a magazine. She found that no matter what the current relationship of the couple was, whenever she asked them to recall the scene of their first meeting, the atmosphere in the room became sweet and joyful. Celebrities with tight schedules often even take the initiative to extend the interview time.
Both of you can feel the tender return of love as you begin to reminisce. People are generally embarrassed to mention this story, and will summarize the story in one or two sentences, which is not enough. You have to ask a few more questions, usually three or four, so that people can enter the mood of memory. And the more detailed you ask, the better, because the warm feeling is hidden in the details. For example, you can ask, which restaurant did you eat at that time? What clothes are you wearing? What did you order? What does your other half look like? What did he say and do? This kind of active recall can bring people back to the climax of the infatuation period, and everyone wants to stay in the sweet memories for a while longer.
The second suggestion is to take the initiative to give gifts without any reason. Gifts are part of love, and wedding rings are a gift and the center of the wedding ceremony. The real meaning of the gift is "I've always thought of you", not "precious". Preciousness is only a measure of a gift, but it cannot replace the degree of care. If you two love each other, a gift with heart is better than an expensive gift. A small handwritten card is better than a random perfume. For another example, if you do something stupid together, you can still try it.
Try something together that is difficult for both of you, such as ice skating, tickle each other, go to the children's zoo together, share your childhood photos with each other, tell your childhood stories, build a castle with sand by the sea, draw a picture. Don't let the activities of the two of you become a serious social life, just entertaining and socializing together, then the partner will become like a colleague, and you need some sweet and childish joint activities between you.
You can ask yourself, when was the last time I gave a gift to my other half because it was neither a birthday nor a special reason, but just because I liked him? When was the last time I went on a solo date with my significant other? When was the last time I touched my significant other in a tender, loving way in my everyday life? You can also continue to ask yourself to test whether you are speaking a language of love: When was the last time I complimented my significant other? When was the last time I helped with a chore without being asked? If the answer is within a week, then you are doing very well; if the answer to some questions is more than a month, or cannot be answered, I suggest you read the third part of the manuscript again, looking for a way to express your love that makes you comfortable, Try it today.
The most important rule of communication is to always remember that when expressing, you must emphasize the positive meaning of things. Say what you want, not what you hate. You can try to write down three things you want to complain about, and then turn it into a positive request, and then write down how this goal has been achieved. For example, if my significant other is always hanging out with friends and rarely has time for me. What I meant to say was, "You always go out with your friends." Switch to a positive statement and say, "I like that we hang out together." The specific goal is: "Can we go to the movies on Wednesday?" For example, what I originally wanted to say was: "Why am I always cleaning? You don't care about anything." We can imagine the atmosphere at home when this sentence comes out. Instead of a positive statement, I could say, "I really appreciate your help cleaning up the house." If you set a specific goal, it could be: "It would be great if you could help me take out the trash every day. Yes. It's very kind of you."
When you're feeling bad, you can use the three-paragraph method to express how you feel. "When you..., I feel..., because..." This structure will help you speak your mind as much as possible and avoid pointless arguments. Here's an example: "I feel bad when you ignore me because I've been doing my best to change and make you like me more." You see, this is the beginning of effective communication that is emotional and non-aggressive.
When a couple who's bored with each other finds love again, they feel more confident in their relationship. What is this confidence? That is, there are three consensuses between happy couples: First, love requires hard work. This sentence may seem common, but many people do not know how to practice it. In an ideal marriage, no matter how you feel, both partners will always attend to each other's needs. This kind of extra pay is often what makes the other party appreciate you the most. Second, love is giving and receiving. If the love you receive is not equal to the love you give, please use the method just mentioned to initiate friendly communication. Third, love is encouragement. In an ideal marriage, share flaws and problems with each other, and then encourage each other. But you don't have to take the other person's problems on your shoulders. Solving them for the other person may be a kind of mental exhaustion, which makes you fall into the feeling of "I have done enough". When a couple finds a way to rekindle their love after it's gone forever, that sense of lost and regained attachment is most cherished.
epilogue
You may feel that it is really difficult to maintain a good relationship. But what I want to tell you is that the homework of love is hard, but it is definitely worth it. No matter how much money and fame you have, giving and receiving love is still the most happy and meaningful thing in this world.
You can recall a certain period of your intimate relationship and ask yourself, why were you attracted to each other in the first place? Do you like the other person's beauty, knowledge, sense of humor or gentle and easy-going temper? Each of us forms his own view of marriage by observing his parents' marriage during childhood. A person who has experienced infidelity from one of his parents will undoubtedly be more sensitive than ordinary people on the issue of intimacy. If a child witnesses the state of the mother's loss, anger, and concealed emotions in the family, facing the mother's emotions, whether the father cares about the mother or ignores or even quarrels, and whether the mother is supported and calmed down, or is she left out and falls into self-pity, or getting into a larger quarrel with his father, escalating the war... These will change the way the child gets along with his significant other.
And you will find that the person you fall in love with is both like you and not like you. The other person can often complement you, and he may have some qualities that you don't have, such as a boy who grew up in a depressive family and is easily attracted to happy and free girls, but at the same time, you both care about similar issues, faced the same challenge. For example, you are both busy with the same project or the same exam, or you both care about small animals, and you both like playing ball. Think about what you fell in love with in the first place, and you can actually understand: when we love someone, we think we see a kind of beauty in another person, and this beauty meets our needs. You will find that the person who made you fall in love with him still retains the qualities you love the most. What has changed? What is the constant? This is something we all need to think about.
1. The homework of love is hard, but definitely worth it. No matter how much money and fame you have, giving and receiving love is still the most important thing in this world that makes us feel the most.