Money Concept
Introduction: Talking about money does not hurt feelings (5 kinds of money personalities that affect the relationship between husband and wife)
This is a book about money and the relationship between husband and wife. We all know that the divorce rate in the United States is about 50%, and nearly 70% of divorced couples say their main reason for divorce is money. So what about the situation in China? Are there many couples around us who are constantly arguing over money issues?
Everyone thinks and handles money issues uniquely, what we call a money personality, and every couple has a money relationship that can have an overall impact on their married life.
So, the main purpose of this book is to guide couples to realize their money personalities in order to stop arguing about money and work together to create the life of their dreams. Let "talking about money", an indispensable communication in life, no longer affect feelings.
Five money personalities
- King of saving money : Kings of saving money generally have an instinctive impulse to save money, and the less money they spend, the more proud they are. They are financially organized and responsible. Never use your kids' college money to buy a yacht. You rarely see them spending impulsive, any spending is carefully calculated. And they hate credit card debt so much, it's like lice on the top of their heads, making them unbearable.
- Spending maniacs : Spending maniacs don't care how much they spend, or for whom they spend it, they don't necessarily have to be rich, they just like to spend money. In their opinion, spending money turns life into a carnival, and they are very excited every time they go shopping, even if they buy something for others, pay bills for others, and give gifts to others for consumption. Madness brings great joy. Their consumer proposition is to buy! Buy! Buy!
- Adventurer : For adventurers, consumption is mainly the pursuit of excitement. It's very exciting to make a big investment, the moment you put your money in, it doesn't matter if there is a return or not. They don't pay much attention to the details and will act upon hearing a little bit of news. For them, no idea is too much, no risk is unbearable, they just want to jump in as soon as possible, just to satisfy their intense adventure desire.
- Stability seekers : Stability seekers pursue stability and safety. They like to do research and keep doing research before consumption. They do not pursue the lowest price, but only pursue rationality and safety. They don't buy a property just because they like it. In fact, they have to take care of more things, test the toxic substances in the soil, investigate the acceptance records and sales of the house, etc., so they do not spend money, Just have to wait for them to get the money out of your pocket, you have to be a little patient.
- Casual people : As the name suggests, they have a more casual attitude towards money. They do not consider the money element in a decision, nor do they worry about money, whether they have money or not, they are not anxious. They don't have feelings for money, they don't make plans, and it's all about feeling whether to spend money or not. They feel that wasting energy and time on money is really worth the loss.
You can pick two out of them, one is pretty much you, then that's your primary money personality, and there's another one that you'll feel a lot like you, and that's your secondary money personality.
conflicting money personalities
We divide money personalities into two broad categories:
- The first category is the consumer fanatic, the adventurer, and the casual person. The common point of this category is that they are more impulsive.
- The second type is the money-saving king and the stability seeker. The common point of this type of people is that they are more cautious.
If your primary and secondary money personalities are from different categories, then you have conflicting money personalities. In fact, it's a kind of beneficial allocation in a way, they help you build a balanced life in the conflict with each other. For example, a person's primary money personality is a casual person, and his secondary money personality is a money saver. It's very contradictory, isn't it? But human beings themselves are contradictory bodies. In this case, the person's money-saving king personality is a life-saving straw at a critical time, which can prevent him from falling into the predicament of heavy debts.
Knowing this helps us understand the money personality conflicts of both spouses, learn each other's language, and realize that if a spouse has a money personality that is diametrically opposed to yours, then that's probably a good thing.
The Heart of Money Problems in Couples: Financial Loyalty
Do you feel hurt when your husband says you're mean? Do you get angry when your wife spends more than your budget at the supermarket and a long-planned vacation goes to waste? When your husband started a new company without your knowledge, would you be so angry that you wanted to take him to the Civil Affairs Bureau immediately?
We feel hurt, angry, or ignored because they're not just about money. It's not how you spend your money that hurts your relationship the most, it's whether you're spending it in violation of each other's promises: financial loyalty
Disregarding this understanding and ignoring the other person's feelings can cause harm, and we call this behavior financial infidelity. It's this kind of financial infidelity that hurts the most emotionally, and whether you do it intentionally or not, it can bring your marriage to the brink of collapse. Because financial infidelity goes right to the heart of the relationship, it destroys trust, shows indifference and disrespect between the couple, and it hurts a relationship, no matter how much money is involved.
The root causes of financial infidelity
financial separation
There is no problem with the couple setting up separate accounts, the question is whether the account or accounts are transparent. If it's not transparent, then it's a small vault. No matter how much money you have in your coffers, or whatever your purpose is to set up your coffers, you can make your spouse feel cheated.
Overspending and Debt
The pressure of debt can also lead to financial infidelity. Both husband and wife agree to cut expenses, but the consumer can't help but buy a new game console or beautiful shoes, and the adventurer can't help investing in a friend's new restaurant. At this time, they began to have little secrets, and began to lie, conceal receipts, and even borrow money to satisfy their desires. Once there is a possibility of being discovered, they will intensify lies, concealment, and borrowing money to cover up their mistakes. It's a horrible vicious circle.
lack of planning
This is a problem for many couples who start saving early in the morning for their children's college plans, but never really get off the ground because of the husband's money personality. The wife is an anxious seeker of stability, and as the children grow up, her anxiety gradually increases. In the end, she either kept complaining and became a resentful woman in her husband's eyes, or she secretly went to the bank to open a fund account, and one day her husband found out, and the couple fought fiercely. Financial infidelity can arise if it cannot be resolved by both parties.
control
这个非常好理解，如果你们婚姻中，一方牢牢掌握着所有的金钱，那么我可以打保票，另外 一方一定会出现财务不忠，他需要请朋友吃饭的钱，她需要买口红香水的钱，如果一方紧紧 攥住钱袋，又很不好讲话，那么，另外一方被迫只好财务不忠。
改善金钱关系
和盘托出
1. 独自带一张纸，一支笔，安安静静地待在一个房间里，把你的真实想法写出来，你可以采取 这种方式： 在纸的中间画一条线，把纸分成两半，一半写你们金钱关系中好的一面，什么让你充满感恩， 什么给予你希望，什么是你佩服对方的地方。而另一半则写上困扰你的问题，你认为的造成 你们婚姻关系紧张的坏因素。
2. 等你完成这张纸的时候，建议你和你的配偶，心情平静地坐在厨房的餐桌旁，首先彼此念出 好的方面，感恩的方面，来表达你们对对方的尊重和认可。
3. 之后，你们可以分享不好的方面，在这一步中，尽量聚焦于你的感受，一定记住，互相指责 没有任何好处。如果你为配偶花钱太多而担忧的话，那么你应该解释为什么会担忧，正确的 对话模式比如“我担心我们退休之后会没钱”，“我真希望有朝一日可以和你一起去旅行”， “我不希望等我们老了躺在医院里付不起账单”，而错误的模式是：“我们度假的钱都让你花 光了，你这个败家子！”
4. 然后给予承诺，在接下来的 90 天里，努力改进你们的不利方面，这些问题也许没有得到立 即解决，但至少你们为之一起努力了。
金钱会面
我们进行金钱会面的时候，应该极力避免和情感扯为一谈。 还有频率是每个月一次，坚持几个月。
金钱会面分为：评价、需要、梦想
评价：用金钱会面的前 15 分钟来评价你们目前的财务状况，这个步骤看似简单，但它是终止财务不忠的关键。
需要：中间的 15 分钟是交流你们在金钱关系中需要“得到什么”的时间，坦诚说出你的需要，让配偶看到你是多么信任他，这对增加夫妻感情有很大的帮助。
梦想：金钱会面最后 15 分钟是共同制订实现梦想的计划，无论你的梦想是什么，一起探讨它们并 开始为它们做计划。
改造婚姻：我们为什么会争吵
之所以有关金钱的争吵会造成其他争吵所不会造成的伤害，主要是因为我们会觉得这个话题 非常针对个人，会感觉被攻击了，需要奋起反抗。金钱人格是非常个人化的，很多人会觉得，攻击我们的金钱人格，就等于直击我们的要害。
我们也发现与金钱有关的争吵背后存在三个主要原因：
1. 不承认自己的金钱人格。如果你真的想不再为钱而争吵，你必须愿意承认自己的金钱人格， 包括它好的方面和不太好的方面。
2. 我们会做出自私的行为。每当我们将注意力放在自己身上或自己的需求上，而不顾这样做 会给对方造成怎样的影响的时候，一定会导致争吵。
3. 我们会因为钱而脾气变坏。金钱人格给予我们某种个人的舒适区，我们很喜欢待在那里， 当被迫离开舒适区的时候，我们会表现出攻击性，变得很戒备。
我们该如何公平争吵
停下来
让自己安静一下，好好思考你这么大反应的背后真正隐藏着什么样的情绪，是恐惧？是担 忧？还是不被信任的感觉？
所以这个时候先谈谈自己的感受是个不错选择，不要谈钱，因为这与钱无关。
放下：放下猜测
人们常说，猜测是最低形式的沟通。这话没错，很多与钱有关的争吵都开始于猜测。
你妻子没有跟你提起她和朋友吃了 40 美元的午饭，你便猜测她对你不忠实。于是你会质问， 妻子会觉得你不信任她，结果你们的对话以激烈的争吵结束。所以，要尽可能地放下猜测，心平气和地去发现真实的情况，一旦得知真相之后，你就可以 理智地去处理它了。
卷起袖子
谈到解决金钱冲突，没有什么能够代替妥协与合作。不要把问题都一股脑地推到对方头上， 这只会引起对方的反感，于是战争无休无止。 所以这个时候，我们要记得让步，一旦我们了解了彼此的金钱人格，一旦我们在金钱会面中 表达了自己的需要，一旦我们秀出自己的诚意。
开始修复金钱关系。那么卷起袖子，一起努力解决问题，那些冲突就会转化为增强你们金钱 关系的大好时机 。
结语：重拾婚姻的梦想
虽然读完以上这些，不一定会让你的银行存款增加，你的财务状况可能也跟之前没有什么改 善，但是你知道吗？这没关系，因为你已经在夫妻情感这个帐户里有了很多积蓄，这比任何 预算或者储蓄计划都重要。
当你发现你们在为钱争吵的时候，记住要停下来，放下猜测，共同扑灭火焰。 每个婚姻都始于许许多多的梦想，现在，你们可以重新找回这些梦想，你们做出的每一个决 定，都会使你们向着梦想中的未来，迈上一大步 。