"Why Family Hurts" | I don't understand the misunderstanding and truth of love

The content is not much, but I watched it for a long time;

It’s been more than two years since I just started a family .

I spent a full 15 hours reading this micro-reading book before and after,
while studying, and using it in the family life of the new students, it
can be described as very practical.

Here are a few points that I am particularly impressed with:

1. Don't care too much about facts and right or wrong

In the disputes of intimacy (especially the relationship between lovers/husband and wife), we
often care too much about facts and right or wrong,
but ignore the true feelings of the other person.

But when the person you love is hurt and emotionally abnormal,
ignoring her true feelings and only entangled with facts and right or wrong
will only make the person you love more uncomfortable.

It doesn't matter what happened, what matters
is how you feel!

2. The first law of a healthy family: husband and wife

Relationship is the core of the family.
Please make sure to distinguish the relationship between the original family and the newborn family:

If you are a son, you
have to tell yourself that your father is the one your mother loves the most, not yourself;

If you are a daughter, you
must tell yourself that your mother is the one your father loves the most, not yourself;

If you are a father, you
must tell your daughter, I love you, but my mother can accompany me throughout my life;

If you are a mother, you
must tell your son, I love you, but my father can accompany me throughout my life.

3. The answer that parents are not children

As a parent, don't try to play the role of the child's decision maker,
but should give the child the freedom of love and independent exploration, and
guide the child to find and become himself.

4. Doting is not love, but hindrance.

When parents dote on their children,
they can easily ignore the children’s own needs, especially the growth needs;

Because doting is essentially a manifestation of parental narcissism,
they treat their children as their other "me" and give them excessive satisfaction.

Doting parents can't wait for their children to never grow up,
which seriously hinders their children's growth.

5. Depression comes from loss

And this negative emotion cannot disappear out of thin air, it
can only be balanced and offset by positive emotions!

For those who are not good at expressing emotions outwards,
it is easy to hold the emotions in their hearts and eventually attack themselves.

6. The original fusion anxiety

If the child's feelings are rarely perceived by parents or other close people,
then this will create a poor and fragile self.

TA's smallness and humbleness will make him feel that everyone and everything is much taller than himself,
so establishing a relationship means being swallowed by that tall other person,
and that small self will disappear.

This is the original fusion anxiety,
which refers to a person’s fear of connecting with others, other things, and even himself.
Because of the link in the sense of the relationship , they will worry about losing their identity and autonomy.
The anxiety caused by this fear is the original Of fusion anxiety.

7. The key core of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

The key to the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lies in the son.
As long as he realizes
this, the main war in the family can hope to usher in peace and happiness.

8. The emotional model of Chinese people is generally looking for mothers

A man looking for a wife is like looking for a mother. A
woman longs for generosity and selfless love and care, and she is also looking for a "mother."

From generation to generation, grasping each other, hurting each other, formed the fateful reincarnation of love.
In this kind of reincarnation, the most regrettable thing is that there is no love.

Only true love can create a true sense of security;
home is a haven, and love is a way out.

Why does the family hurt people? I understand that I don't understand love.
This book analyzes some misunderstandings and truths about love, which will benefit from learning.
Highly recommended to those who are trapped by home and love!