Editor's note: This article is from " Reading the Ocean" (ID: readabroad), author Wang Sihan
Do you know how to make strangers fall in love with you at first sight?
What was your first impression of someone else in the past?
If you attend a big party and there are many strangers, do you talk freely, or stay in the corner at a loss?
After making new friends, if you want to establish a long-term relationship, what should you do to "know" and how to make the other person feel the most comfortable?
Today we are going to introduce the new English book "Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People" (Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People), which will reveal the secrets for you one by one.
Many people think that dealing is an innate skill, some people are born with familiarity, and some people are just not sociable, and they are all set in stone.
And the new English book we are going to introduce today is to tell you the scientific principles behind social interaction - as long as you master the right method, it is not difficult to have a good conversation with others.
Attraction author Vanessa Van Edwards is a behavioral researcher who has her own Institute for Human Behavior and has taught tens of thousands of students. Her research results have been published in CNN, Forbes, USA Today, NPR and other well-known media, and she has also held a TED talk in London.
In the book, the author divides dealing with people into three stages: 5 minutes after the meeting begins, 5 hours after the meeting begins, and 5 days after the meeting begins. Each stage provides 4-5 hands-on how-tos. Today we will pick out the most important 3 of each stage for specific analysis.
15 minutes after the meeting begins: first impressions, building trust
The first impression is so important that it sets the tone for the conversation that follows.
Harvard researchers Nalini Ambday and Robert Rosenthal specialize in the importance of first impressions.
They studied the students' impressions of the professor and found that the students had a general judgment about the professor within 2 seconds of seeing the professor for the first time. That is to say, we have already judged whether we like him or not before the teacher has opened his mouth.
Not only that, but students who had a poor first impression of a professor continued to have a poor impression of the professor throughout the semester. That sounds terrible—if you don't make a good first impression, then whatever you do next may be useless.
However, the authors say this may also be a good thing. Because many times as long as you get the first impression, then the subsequent communication is likely to be smooth sailing.
Since first impressions are so important and so short-lived, can you be a step ahead and use body language to build trust with others before you speak?
show your hands
The authors analyzed the popularity of TED speakers and invited volunteers to participate in experiments. She found that the most popular speakers made 600 gestures in an 18-minute speech, an average of 1 gesture every 2 seconds.
If you look at Luo Zhenyu, the keynote speaker of the hit video show "Luo Ji Thinking", he also has a lot of gestures in his speech.
Why are gestures so important? Because gestures represent intent.
When you can't see a stranger's hand, you're subconsciously nervous. Because you can't predict what he will do next. Why do most people shake hands when they meet? Just to show that I have no weapons and that I have no intention of harming you.
Therefore, if you want to get extra points for the first impression, you must take your hand out of your pocket and shake hands generously.
A perfect handshake requires the following conditions:
1. Make sure your hands are not sweaty. No one likes to hold a sticky, wet hand, so make sure your hands are clean before shaking hands;
2. The handshake must be strong. You must have encountered guys who "excessive force" made you sore, and you have also met guys who "didn't have enough to eat", who slapped you twice perfunctorily and hurriedly withdrawn. A strong handshake best reflects a person's self-confidence.
stand like a winner
"Stand like standing": a person's standing posture can best reflect whether the TA is very confident.
Four professors from the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia (UBC) in Canada wanted to know if there were any poses that were recognized as "winners" or "losers".
So they studied winning and losing Olympians and analyzed their post-competition performances.
Winners typically increase the amount of space their bodies take up and assume a "High Power Pose" -- arms raised, chest raised, and head raised.
The loser, on the other hand, curls up, taking up as little space as possible, in a “Low Power Pose”—arms slumped, piggybacked, and head slumped.
Comparison of "winner" and "loser" poses
What's even more amazing is that sometimes we can guess the ranking from the stance of the athlete without even looking at the score. Winners want more people to notice themselves and see their achievements. The loser always wants to disappear from everyone's sight, hiding as far as possible.
So we need to stand like winners. Keep your chest up, don't shrug your shoulders, and let others see your hands.
looking into other people's eyes
The final step in building trust is getting someone to accept you as a member of his team.
This step is to maintain eye contact.
When we look at others, the brain will produce oxytocin (a type of hormone), which can effectively suppress the anxiety generated in the process of interpersonal communication, which is the cornerstone of building trust.
Think about it, when a person lies to you, does he look around and refuse to look you in the eye? And when you like someone, your eyes will be very sticky, and you can't take it away from the TA at all?
So, the next time you talk to someone, don't be too shy, and look into the eyes of others, which can help you build trust quickly. (Of course, if this person is your elder or leader, or when "it would be considered impolite to look directly at someone", you also need to consider whether it is appropriate to stare at them.)
2 5 hours after the start of the meeting: recognize yourself and understand others
If you've made a good first impression on the other person, the next thing you need to grasp is the entire process of the conversation.
How can I quickly tell what kind of person the other person is? Furthermore, what method should you use to communicate with TA, which will make TA feel most comfortable and feel that you are compatible with him?
It's not as complicated as you think, but let me tell you the good news, 76% of the characters people judge from their first impressions are correct. An experiment in the journal Trends in Cognitive Sciences in 2014 showed that we can determine personality by the face, a so-called "look from the heart."
Look at the following four groups of ABCD portraits and match the following corresponding personalities:
Which group of people is sorted from introvert to extrovert?
Which group is ranked from unreliable to reliable?
Which group of people is ranked from incompetent to competent?
Which group of people is ranked from less dominant to more dominant?
Answer:
introverted to extroverted: C
unreliable to reliable: D
incompetent to competent: A
low to dominate to high: B
Did you get it right? It doesn't matter if it's not all right, because you can easily understand a person's personality through conversation and body language.
The Big Five was invented in 1992 by MIT psychology professor Lewis Goldberg. they are, respectively:
Openness: Curious, innovative, adventurous
Conscientiousness: Organized, impartial, conscientious
Extraversion: Enthusiastic, social, active
Agreeableness: easy to gain the trust of others, altruism
Neuroticism: anxiety, depression, insecurity
Big Five Personality Chart
In the process of talking with others, you can analyze the personality of the other person according to the characteristics of these 5 dimensions.
1. Openness
People with high openness like to try new things, while people with low openness prefer to do things step by step.
Questions you can ask your TA: Has anything new been happening lately? Have you tried any new restaurants recently?
Clue: TA's circle of friends often posts novel and interesting photos, TA likes various types of music, books and food.
2. Conscientiousness
People with strong sense of responsibility live well-organized lives, on the contrary, people with poor sense of responsibility prefer to take one step at a time.
Questions you can ask your TA: What's our next step? What are your New Year's resolutions?
Clue: TA's instruments and personal items are kept neat and tidy, and they have their own system when packing.
3. Extraversion:
Extroverts prefer to be in a crowd, while introverts prefer to be alone.
Questions to ask: How do you plan your weekend? What is your good day like?
Clues: Likes to laugh; relaxed in crowds, always maintaining a "positive energy stance".
4. Agreeableness (Agreeableness)
People with strong affinity are more easy-going and tend to agree with other people's opinions, while people with low affinity are more likely to refute others.
Questions you can ask your TA: What would you like to eat in the evening? Are you going to hang out together?
Clues: TA walks with ease and swings his arms widely; he is caring and considerate of others, and is always ready to help.
5. Neuroticism
: People who are emotionally unstable are prone to anxiety, and people who are emotionally stable are more able to withstand stress.
Questions you can ask TA: Are you busy lately? How was your week?
Clues: TA likes to share healing statements; always thinking "one more thing" when making plans; tends to panic in the face of stress.
All in all, through your intuition about a person, your conversations with TA, TA’s online presence on social media, and conscious questioning and practice, you can analyze a person’s personality faster and more accurately, and further Choose the appropriate way to communicate with TA.
3 5 days after the meeting starts: build connections and tell good stories
We all like to associate with people who think like us and resonate with us. Because of the similar way of thinking and perspective, it is easy for you to find the feeling of "confidant" when you communicate.
When you have a basic understanding of the other person's character, you can adjust your communication method according to his preferences and get closer.
The way to quickly bring people closer together is to tell stories. In other people's stories, we often bring ourselves to look for similarities with ourselves.
Neuroscientists from Princeton University have studied fluctuations in the human brain as it listens to stories.
Using fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging), they found that when one person is listening to the other person tell a story, the two people's brains "synchronize": the active part of the listener's brain fluctuates according to the ebb and flow of the narrative. As if he had experienced it himself.
Therefore, telling a story that resonates is the best way to bring people closer together.
Some people become "people fans" not because of their looks, but because of their talent for telling stories.
In the book "Attract", the author shares with us the 4 steps required to tell a good story: introduction, conflict, words, and interaction.
1. Hook
A good start must grab the attention of the other party in the first place. It can be an interrogative sentence or a declarative sentence, but it must have a bright spot.
"I went to XX shopping mall yesterday." It's not a good introduction, it's too bland.
"Guess who I saw yesterday at the XX shopping mall?" This one is even more interesting, and will immediately grab the curiosity of others and want to continue listening to your story.
2. Conflict
In all good stories there is a turning point, the so-called "conflict" - which is the heart of the whole story. The front of the story sets the stage for conflict, and the back revolves around conflict resolution.
"Guess who I saw at the XX shopping mall yesterday? Jay Chou! He's doing a new album release event, and he's just signing autographs for fans. I want autographs too, but there are too many people."
3. Wording
Researchers in Spain have found that the human brain is very sensitive to the word "bring your own picture". When I say "silk," your brain immediately conjures up the texture, color, and feel of silk. This is an important way to bring your audience further into the storyline.
So try to talk about as many details as possible, so that it will feel more "immersive".
"The entire second floor was full of people, and the water was blocked. I couldn't move at all in the crowd, and I could move without touching the ground. It was just that crowded. The elevators on the first and second floors were also full of people, so the elevators couldn't go down. "
The fans were screaming like crazy, everything, and my ears are buzzing right now. I've been in line for two hours, I'm thirsty and hot, but I don't dare to leave, or I'm going to die. Gotta get back in line. Hey, he's really hot."
4. Interaction (Boomerang)
At the end of the story, be sure to turn the conversation to the listener and get them to respond to your story. How did your story inspire and inspire them? How can you get them to open up the conversation and share their stories?
"But in the end, I still have to go to the autograph. It is estimated that the scene of the concert is 10 times more crazy than this. Hey, haven't you been to Jay Chou's concert? Isn't it particularly spectacular?"
Such a story is much more lively and interesting than a straightforward narrative——
"When I went to the XX shopping mall yesterday, I saw Jay Chou doing an event. There were so many people, but I still had to get an autograph."
This is too bland. If you want to evoke the interaction and response of the other party, and tell your story well, it is possible to attract others and enhance feelings.
The techniques that the author shares for us in the book can indeed help you achieve better communication and engagement on a technical level. But no matter who you talk to, the most important thing is to have a sincere heart.
After all, it's easy to see through a fake smile: the author did an experiment in which she showed 4,361 volunteers 4 different smiles. And among these 4 smiles, only 1 is a sincere smile, and the volunteers have to find it out. As a result, 86.9% of people were able to tell which one was a genuine smile.
Finally, let's knock on a small blackboard for you, an important content we talked about today-when talking to the other party, be sure to look into the other party's eyes. When we look at others, the brain will produce oxytocin (a type of hormone), which can effectively suppress the anxiety generated in the process of interpersonal communication, which is to build trust and improve your personal attraction. key to strength.
Even if you are not good at dealing with people now, as long as you have a sincere heart, practice these attractiveness-enhancing skills more, and step out of your comfort zone, you will definitely become a more popular person. Einstein said: "Information is not knowledge, the only source of knowledge is experience." (Information is not knowledge, the only source of knowledge is experience.)