Personal understanding: Seek first to understand, then to be understood
retelling sentence-adding explanation-incorporating personal feeling-both explaining and expressing emotions: open heart and courage to express.
Jump out of the limits of personal perception in order to communicate smoothly, work together and achieve a win-win situation.
Maturity is defined as the balance between courage and care.
The inherent way of thinking allows us to take certain facts for granted. When others do not think so, they will question the personality or mental state of others.
The purpose of our listening is often to answer, not to understand each other.
The purpose of listening is not to excuse and answer, first to understand the other party, and then try to let the other party understand themselves. First seek to understand each other, and then strive to let the other party understand themselves.
Understand-Understand.
A sense of security is a basic condition for openness to each other; morality is a prerequisite for mutual trust, openness and trust; no in-depth communication and understanding.
If you want the other person to understand yourself, you must first understand the other person; it is not that the other party does not always understand you, but that you do not want to understand the other party at all, but just want to convince the other party.
Self-righteousness: filter everything with your own model, understand your life with your own experience, instill in others with your own experience, and treat everyone with your own glasses.
What's really scary is not your self-righteousness, but just always think that the other party is self-righteous. People often think of themselves as self-righteous, but they are ignorant.
Empathy listening refers to listening for the purpose of understanding, requiring the listener to understand their way of thinking and feeling from the perspective of the speaker.
The essence of empathy listening is not to agree with each other, but to fully and deeply understand each other emotionally and intellectually. From the perspective of the other party, everything makes sense.
You don't have to save your own people, nor do you have to worry about guessing, all you need to know is the other person's spiritual world.
Value judgment, to get to the bottom, so as to be a teacher, self-righteous .
Morality, emotion, reason. The first is your own character, then your relationship with others, and finally your ability to express yourself.
When we truly understand each other in depth, we open the door to creative solutions and a third path.
From tomorrow on, be a listener, empathize, understand, and communicate
https://www.sohu.com/a/385131125_183012?spm=smpc.author.fd-d.4.1586176181053tEVbJwu
In response to reader questions, Stephen Covey responded that he personally believes that among the seven habits of high-performance individuals, the most difficult to stick to is the habit five—knowing each other.
He said: "When I'm exhausted, when I'm convinced that I'm correct, I really don't want to listen to others, I even pretend to listen. Basically, what I did was what I said This kind of error-the purpose of listening is to answer, not to understand each other. "
Seek first to understand, then to be understood, first seek to understand each other, and then strive to let the other understand yourself.
This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication, and it is one of the most important principles that Covey learned in interpersonal relationships. But if you insist on it, even Covey himself needs to spend a lifetime.
Do you really understand
Communication is the most important skill in life. People spend most of their time awake when they communicate. But from small to large, the education we receive tends to focus on "reading and writing" training, and "speaking" is also part of it, but no one has ever taught us how to "listen".
However, it is not easy to understand what other people are saying, especially from the other party's standpoint.
There are very few people who have received listening training. Most training is about personality (Personality Ethic), which on the contrary hinders the establishment of a character and communication foundation that truly understands the needs of others.
If you want to interact with me and want to have an influence on me, you must first understand me, and you ca n’t do it by skill alone.
If I notice that you are using a certain technique, I will feel cheated and manipulated. I don't know why you did it, what motivated you. You leave me insecure, and naturally will not open my heart to you.
▲ Seven habits of high-performance people
Your influence lies in your role model and guiding ability . The former is derived from your character, your true self, other people ’s comments or how you want others to see you is meaningless, I have clearly understood in my interactions with you about you.
Your character always exerts influence and communication. Over time, I will instinctively trust or distrust you and what you do to me.
It's hard to open your heart if you are cold and hot, sometimes mean and kind, or different in appearance. If I need to reap love and influence, I feel insecure about exposing ideas, experiences, and real feelings to you. Who can predict what will happen?
But unless I am open and honest, or you really understand me and my special situation and feelings, you do n’t know how to advise and enlighten me. Although you are right, it cannot resonate with me.
You would say that you really care and appreciate me, and I also want to believe it, but if you do n’t understand me, how can you appreciate me? This kind of empty praise is unbelievable.
Even if I knew that I needed your counsel, I still felt angry and resistant to being "affected by others", or felt guilty and afraid. Unless you are influenced by my personality, I will ignore your suggestions.
Therefore, if you want to develop truly effective interpersonal communication habits, you can't rely on skills alone.
First of all, you must have a personality that allows others to trust and cherish others. On this basis, cultivate the skills of empathic listening (Empathic Listening), and then establish an emotional account to achieve heart-to-heart communication.
Empathy listening
Seeking first to unserstand is a big change in the communication model, because we usually put others to understand ourselves first. Most people do not want to understand each other when listening, but to respond.
Such people either speak or are ready to speak, constantly filtering everything with their own patterns, and using their own experiences to understand the lives of others.
"Yes, I know how you feel."
"I had a similar experience, my experience is ..."
They always instill their own experience with others, and treat everyone with their own glasses. If there is a problem with the communication with the son, daughter, spouse or employee, their reaction is usually: "He just doesn't understand me."
In fact, most people are so self-righteous. Our listening is usually divided into layers.
1. If you do n’t listen, you do n’t listen to others at all;
2. Pretend , "Yes! Um! That's right!";
3. Selective reception , only listen to a part, usually the chatter of preschool children will let us take this way;
4. Concentrate and try hard to hear every word;
5. Few people will reach the fifth level, the highest level- empathy listening .
Active and responsive listening is a skill. The essence is self-centered. Even if the behavior is not revealed, the motivation is self-evident, and the speaker will feel humiliated. The purpose of responsive listening skills is simply to respond and manipulate each other.
Empathy listening refers to listening for the purpose of understanding, requiring the listener to understand their way of thinking and feeling from the perspective of the speaker.
Empathy is not sympathy. The latter is a form of identification and judgment, more suitable for expressing feelings and responding, but it is easy to develop the dependence of the other party.
The essence of empathy listening is not to agree with each other, but to fully and deeply understand each other emotionally and intellectually.
Empathy listening is not just about understanding individual words and phrases. Experts estimate that only 10% of interpersonal communication takes place through language, 30% depends on tone and voice, and the remaining 60% depends on body language.
Therefore, in the process of empathy and listening, not only the ear, but also the eyes and the heart; observe with the eyes and experience with the soul.
This listening effect is significant, it can provide the most accurate information for your actions. You don't have to save your own people, nor do you have to worry about guessing, all you need to know is the other person's spiritual world. Listening is to understand, it is a deep exchange of heart and heart.
Empathy listening is also the key to emotional investment. Because only the other party agrees, your investment is meaningful, otherwise even if you put in the effort, the other party will only see it as a kind of control, self-interest, coercion and succumb, and the result is that the Emotional Bank Account is withdrawn .
Empathy listening itself is a huge emotional investment, it can provide people with a kind of "psychological air" (psychological air), very therapeutic.
If the air in your room is suddenly evacuated, you will not be interested in the book you are reading, because survival will be your only motivation.
In addition to matter, humanity's greatest need for survival comes from psychology, which is understood, affirmed, recognized and appreciated. Your empathy listening is equivalent to giving the other party "psychological air".
After meeting the other party's basic needs, you can focus on exerting influence and solving problems. This need for "psychological air" has an impact on communication in every area of our lives.
Empathy listening is risky. Only when you are ready to be influenced by the other party can you deepen into the stage of empathy listening, and this requires sufficient security, because at this time you will become very vulnerable.
In a sense, this is very contradictory, because you must be influenced before you affect the other party, that is, to truly understand the other party.
Four autobiographical responses
We always contact our own experiences when listening to other people's speeches. Therefore, self-righteous people tend to have four tendencies to " Autobiographical Response " :
Value judgment-only accept or not accept the opinions of others.
Get to the bottom — explore the privacy of others based on your own values.
Be a good teacher-provide advice with your own experience.
Self-righteousness-measure others' behaviors and motivations based on their own behaviors and motivations.
"Value judgments" make people unable to speak freely, and after all, they can't be honest, these are a big obstacle that often affects the parent-child relationship .
Teenagers can spend an hour or two talking with their friends on the phone, but they have nothing to say to their parents, or treat their home as a hotel to eat and sleep. Why? If parents only know reprimand and criticism, how can children confess truth to their parents?
In countless seminars, I have discussed this issue with thousands of people, and I found that people often think of themselves as self-conscious, but they are ignorant . It's no wonder that every time a person plays a role, many people accidentally find that they have this common problem. Fortunately, as long as the condition is confirmed, treatment is not difficult.
Effective communication
The correct communication method is empathy listening, which includes at least four stages .
The first stage is to retell the sentence , which can at least make people listen attentively.
Child: "It's really boring to go to school!"
Father: "You can't stand it anymore and find it too boring to go to school."
In the second stage, explanations are added , expressed in their own words and sentences, but they are still understood with the logical thinking of the left brain.
Child: "It's really boring to go to school!"
Father: "You don't want to go to school anymore."
The third stage incorporates personal feelings and the right brain functions. At this time, the listener is not only paying attention to words, but also beginning to realize the other party's mood.
Child: "It's really boring to go to school!"
Father: "You feel very frustrated."
The fourth stage is to explain and express emotions , and use both the left and right brains.
Child: "It's really boring to go to school!"
Father: "You have a deep sense of frustration about going to school."
Using these four stages of communication will not only help you understand each other, but also help them recognize themselves and express themselves.
Play as a bosom friend (understanding and perception)
When you learn to listen carefully, you will find that your perception of others is vastly different. When people are in an environment of mutual dependence, this difference will have a great impact.
The portrait you see may be a young woman. I saw an old woman, but we are all right. You may be centered on your spouse, and I am centered on money. Your spiritual world is rich and colorful, and mine is barren.
Your perspective on the problem may be highly visual, holistic, and emotional, and is typical of right-brain thinking; while I am logical, good at analyzing and expressing left-brain thinking.
Our perceptions will be very different, and we have our own way of thinking since we were young, and we take for granted certain facts. When others do not think so, we will question the personality or mental state of others.
We must learn to seek common ground while reserving differences in marriage, work and public service. How to do it? How do we get out of the limits of personal perception in order to communicate smoothly, work together and achieve a win-win situation?
"Knowing one another" is the answer, which is also the first step in win-win.
When you are in a bad mood, you need the most understanding and good listeners. If you can play this role in time, you will be amazed to the extent that the other party has no reservations. But the premise is that you have to be sincere and considerate of the other party, not selfish. Sometimes it is not even necessary to express all kinds of words, just a heart is enough to touch the other party.
For people with close relationships, sharing experience with him will greatly help communication: "After reading this book, I found that I never really listened to you, but I will do my best in the future. I may not be able to do very well at first. Hope You can help me. "
Everyone longs for companionship, so investment in this area is definitely worth it, it can make you grasp the real crux and greatly increase the savings of emotional accounts.
Expression also requires skills
The first thing to understand is to understand others. The second part of "Know Your Other" is how to gain understanding, which is also indispensable to seek a win-win approach.
Earlier, maturity was defined as the balance between courage and care. Understanding others is important, but we also have an obligation to let ourselves be understood. This usually requires considerable courage. A win-win situation requires mastery of courage and care, so in a cooperative environment, people need to understand themselves.
The ancient Greeks had a very classic philosophical view, that is, morality first, emotion second, and reason third. I think these three words embodies the essence of letting others understand themselves and express themselves effectively.
Morality refers to your personal credibility, people's recognition of your integrity and ability, people's trust in you, and your emotional account. Feelings refer to your ability to empathize and are emotional, indicating that you can quickly understand the emotions of others through communication. Reason is your logical ability, the ability to express yourself reasonably.
Please pay attention to this order: character, emotion, reason . The first is your own character, then your relationship with others, and finally your ability to express yourself, which is another important mode conversion.
Most people are used to expressing themselves directly with left-brain logic in order to persuade others, but they never put morality first and affection second in heart.
Expressing yourself is not bragging, but telling your opinions based on your understanding of others, sometimes even changing your original intention. Because in the process of understanding others, you will also generate new insights.
"Knowing each other" will help you improve the accuracy and consistency of your expression. People will understand that you are very confident about the content of the introduction, and take into account the obvious facts and perceptions, and want both parties to benefit.
One-to-one communication
Habit 5 (Know Your Other) is very important because it is located in the center of your personal influence circle. Many factors that depend on the environment are within your attention circle, such as problems, differences, environment, and behavior of others. If you put all your energy in these areas, you will soon be exhausted and will have little effect.
You should always think about understanding others first, which is within your power.
If you focus on your influence circle, you can truly and deeply understand each other. You will get accurate information, you can quickly grasp the core of the incident, establish your own emotional account, and provide the "psychological air" necessary for effective cooperation.
This is a way of behavior from the inside out, see what changes it has brought to the circle of influence? Listening carefully allows your circle of influence to slowly expand and become more and more capable of exerting influence in the circle of attention.
Look at what happens to you again? The deeper you understand others, the more you will appreciate and respect them. It ’s a sacred thing to touch the other ’s soul.
In fact, you can practice Habit Five now. The next time you communicate with others, you can try to put aside your experience and try to truly understand each other. Even if they do not want to confide their problems to you, you should feel the same.
You can listen to their voices, feel their injuries, and respond-"You are in a bad mood today". Maybe they will be silent, but it does not matter, you have already expressed their understanding and respect for them.
Don't be too anxious, be patient and respect each other. Before you can feel the same, people generally will not take the initiative to confide in you . You should always pay attention to their behavior and show understanding. You should be wise, sensitive and clear-headed, and be able to put aside your personal experience.
Why not take action from now on, no matter in the office or at home, open your mind and listen intently. Don't rush for quick success, even if you don't get feedback in the short term, never be discouraged.
If you truly love someone, then taking the time to understand each other will be beneficial to the frankness in the future. In this way, many problems that trouble the family and marriage will be strangled in the bud, and there is no opportunity to develop and grow. Even if there is such an opportunity, sufficient emotional account savings will solve the problem.
When we truly understand each other in depth, we open the door to creative solutions and a third path. The differences between us are no longer obstacles to communication and progress, but a ladder to synergy.
Author: Stephen Covey, (Stephen R.Covey), American academic "thought masters", appeared in the "impact of 25 characters American historical process", "Time Magazine" as "human potential mentor."
Source: This article is excerpted from "The Seven Habits of High-Efficiency People (25th Anniversary Edition)", China Youth Press; the pictures are from the Internet.
Recommendation, typesetting: Dai Biwei
