The "Becoming a Problem Solving Master" series of articles mainly consists of 3 articles, namely the introductory article, the advanced article and the expert article, which will deeply analyze a very important "thing"-problem for you . There will be some extra articles in the follow-up to discuss topics related to the problem. Welcome to continue to pay attention.
This is an advanced article in a series of articles. Before reading this article, it is recommended to read the introductory article "Becoming a Master of Problem Solving" .
Recognize the double problem
First of all, we need to understand the two-person problem and analyze it in depth, so that we can master the knack of solving the two-person problem.
Simply defined, a two-person problem is a scenario in which two people face the same problem, and one of them is myself .
For the convenience of the following description, here is a definition of nouns. In the two-person problem described in this article, the first person is the main perspective, and there are three key elements:
- Role A : hereinafter referred to as "I" or "myself";
- Character B : hereinafter referred to as "opponent";
- question .
A typical scenario for a two-person problem
From the definition point of view, it is not such an image. I will briefly describe some typical two-person problem scenarios below. I believe that everyone can instantly understand what a two-person problem is.
- parents . The double problem has actually existed since we were sensible, and that is the problem scene with our parents. Here we can simply think that the father and the mother are in the same camp. Problems with our parents often accompany us in our upbringing. The source of the contradiction in this double problem scene is " incomprehension " in our eyes and " rebellion " in the eyes of our parents.
- in love . If you do a questionnaire-describing the most common couple problem scenarios, the number one answer will undoubtedly be falling in love . The feeling of this is self-knowledge, but the root of the conflict can never be avoided by one word-love.
- marriage . This is an upgraded version of the love problem. Because in this dish named after love, seasonings of reality and life are added. Oddly enough, we couldn't tell whether it was the taste of the dish that had changed, or the palate of the diners.
- superior and inferior . Returning to the workplace, the most typical two-person problem is the problem between the superior and the subordinate. In the current economic environment, the contradictions of this kind of problem have become more and more serious, and have risen to the level of struggle between workers and the bourgeoisie. The most tragic thing is undoubtedly the small grassroots leader caught in the middle like the author, who has no rights and at the same time is beaten to the bourgeois side for no reason, making it difficult to get along with subordinates. There are no people inside and outside the mirror, I really want to cry but have no tears.
The Line Between Two-Person Problems and One-Person Problems
Before discussing how to deal with the two-person problem, the first thing we need to do is to confirm whether this is a two-person problem .
The reason why everyone feels that it is very difficult to deal with double-person problems is often because everyone has not figured out whether the problem they encounter is a double-person problem or a single-person problem .
To clarify whether the problem you are facing is a two-person problem or a single-person problem, you must clearly know the boundary between these two types of problems- is this a problem in the eyes of the other party?
If so, then the problem is a two-person problem; otherwise, it's just a one-person problem—my own.
Let me explain with a simple illustration, the two-person problem looks like this:
My partner and I had the same problem, and it affected both of us.
When we deal with this two-person problem, we may step on the two most common misunderstandings.
Myth #1 is the mistaken belief that this is just a one-person problem , as shown in the diagram below:
I only saw the impact of this problem on myself, and at the same time I only paid attention to myself, while ignoring the other party, ignoring whether the other party also encountered this problem, and ignoring what this problem looks like in the other party's eyes. This is the biggest misunderstanding in dealing with two-person problems. The final result is that the other party thinks that he does not understand her .
The second misunderstanding is that they mistakenly think that this is only the problem of the other party , as shown in the following figure:
"This is her problem, not mine. It has nothing to do with me."
This is the inner monologue of many straight men (of course including the author himself). They all ignore an important fact: when their relationship with the other party reaches a certain level, the other party's problems are their own problems . Often the point of the other party's anger is no longer a problem, but our indifference.
If your girlfriend is in a bad mood, the consequences will be serious . Please take a closer look.
Addressing the biggest source of difficulty with doubles
The fundamental reason why I often step on the pit when dealing with double problems is that I didn't figure it out at the first time , whether it is a double problem or a single problem.
The root of this situation is that we have not shifted from the one-person problem paradigm .
Unless you have already cultivated into a master at solving problems, otherwise, those who are better at dealing with single-person problems are often not good at dealing with two-person problems.
That's right, I'm talking about you——Science and Technology (straight) male. People who are better at handling engineering problems are less able to handle two-person problems. The reason is that they have a problem-solving mindset cultivated since childhood.
Therefore, if we want to break through the boundaries and grow into a master problem solver, we must overcome the shackles brought about by our fixed thinking .
Tips for Solving Two-Person Problems
According to the misunderstandings, difficulties and root causes of the two-person problem mentioned above, two tips for solving the two-person problem can be summarized.
Empathy & Empathy
These two words really sound bad, and I don't even need to explain what these two words are. However, even after hearing it countless times, there are still very few people who can actually do it.
Empathy and empathy are a matter of thinking habits, not a matter of "love or not" . Habits don't happen overnight, they need long-term practice to develop.
Therefore, here, I recommend a practical way for everyone: transfer the familiar methodology of solving single-person problems to dealing with double-person problems, just change the person and the person in the problem from yourself to the other person .
One of the reasons for recommending this method is also considering that we are already very familiar with how to solve single-player problems, so if we do a little migration for practice, everyone will feel very smooth and natural, without high threshold and discomfort .
Let me talk about it in detail.
First of all, before applying the methodology for solving single-person problems, we need to add a practical step- execution timing .
The timing of execution is divided into before, during and after . This is the most critical part of the exercise method I recommend, otherwise everything else will be out of the question. I recommend that everyone should at least apply the methodology to this issue no matter before, during or after the event. Only in this way can we ensure that we continue to practice.
If we can implement it in advance, then congratulations, you have achieved empathy and empathy, which is the result we hope for.
During the fermentation process of the whole two-person problem, as long as we think of the need to implement the methodology, we can start implementing it immediately and start doing empathy. As long as we start doing it, it will never be too late!
The matter is over, and the chapter has been turned, do we still need to apply the methodology again? I think it is necessary! At least the first few steps of the methodology should be applied, and the steps of implementing the plan should be omitted. Doing so can stimulate your thinking nerves and let your thinking get used to doing empathy.
The next step is to apply the methodology for solving single-person problems:
-
Define the problem : clarify what the problem looks like in the eyes of the other party and what the other party's goal is. In the early days, when it was difficult for us to understand each other, we could ask each other proactively and on the sidelines. In the later stage, when you know the other party very well, you can easily grasp the main points and understand where the other party cares.
-
Analyzing the problem : In-depth analysis and excavation of why the other party views the problem in this way, why such a goal is generated, and the definition of the problem must be corrected in time . To give an example of falling in love that everyone likes to hear and see, many times, what a girlfriend cares about is not the objective problem itself, what she may care about is her own emotions and the degree of care others have for her. These will be defined in the first step from the beginning problems are quite different.
-
Determine the solution : the most difficult are the first two steps. After these two steps are completed, the latter is very simple. Determine the solution based on the problem itself and the other party's preferences , such as timely words of comfort, or taking her shopping?
-
implement the solution
-
Evaluate the effect : The last step is very important, that is, the effect must be checked after each execution. Key inspection:
- Has the problem been solved : Has the girlfriend regained her mood? Will this problem occur again in the future?
- Effectiveness of the solution : shopping, is the gift in line with girlfriend's wishes?
- Summarize experience : Are the problem definition and root cause analysis correct this time? Are there any other plans that can be used? Should I prepare some plan reserves in advance for emergencies?
- Why can't empathy be achieved before or during the event?
Empathy and understanding each other are interrelated. The more we do empathy, the more we understand each other; the better we understand each other, the easier it is to empathize.
Therefore, at the beginning of the practice, we must make sure to do empathy afterwards, so that gradually, we will understand each other better, and it will be easier for us to spontaneously initiate empathy.
【Those Familiar Quotations】
"I'm talking about feelings with you, and you're reasoning with me?"
"Then tell me, where did you go wrong?"
"I think you're right, what's wrong with you?"
"You don't love me anymore."
"I understand the truth, don't reason with me!"
"She's wearing really nice clothes."
<10086 statements omitted below...>
Deal with Emotions First, Problems Later
When both parties deal with problems with emotions, things often backfire, and the final result must be an unhappy breakup.
When a person's emotions come up, he is no longer objective. At this time, he is an emotional animal, and he will pay more attention to his subjective thoughts and feelings, rather than objective facts. If you discuss objective issues with him at this time, it will have no effect.
So the key here is, deal with the emotion first, and then the problem .
The specific methodology can be followed in the following three steps:
-
Work with your emotions first . Am I at peace now? As a master problem solver, you must remain calm and objective at all times. When encountering problems and conflicts, ask yourself in your heart, do I still want to solve the problem? If you want to, stop first and let yourself calm down.
-
Deal with the other person's emotions . Is the other person emotionally stable? This point is mainly judged through the communication with the other party, mainly observing two aspects:
- The other party's tone of voice, speed of speech, as well as facial expressions and movements .
- Whether the other party is willing to speak their minds .
There are many specific ways to deal with emotions. Here are the recommended methods:
- Empathy & Empathy : Think from the perspective of the other person, and try to express the other person's feelings, so that the other person feels that he can understand her, so that the other person's emotions will gradually calm down;
- Give the person time to calm down . End the current communication immediately, and start the communication at the right time later. If it's an intimate relationship like a partner, you can hug it.
-
Finally solve the problem . When the emotions of both parties have calmed down, they can pay attention to the objective facts and start discussions. The specific methodology returns to the methodology for solving single-person problems.
The reason seems simple, but it is a very big challenge to really do it. The key to everything is to exercise the ability to control your emotions .
When we can control our emotions well, and then through empathy, we can guide each other to deal with each other's emotions.
It is also a matter of habit to exercise the ability to control one's emotions . How to cultivate habits is a more professional topic, and I will introduce it in detail later.
Here are 2 recommended practices:
- Whenever I want to deal with something, or when I find that something is not going well, I consciously stop and ask myself, are my emotions stable?
- Consciously make a summary, mainly a positive summary: because I have successfully controlled my emotions, I was able to solve the problem smoothly and let myself get a positive and pleasant feeling. Only in this way can we form a better habit.
small chestnut
Give a small chestnut to deconstruct in detail.
【Scene Description】
One night, the company group had a dinner, and I came home at 10:00 p.m. to find that my girlfriend was unhappy...
Maybe this is how I look at it:
The end result is likely to turn into a fight:
Me: I'm in the rivers and lakes, I can't help myself, and I don't want to have dinner so late, why doesn't she understand me?
Girlfriend: He has time to go to dinner, but he doesn't have time to accompany me, he doesn't have me in his heart!
When the problem has already happened, it is an afterthought. First of all, we cannot be controlled by emotions. We must calm down and solve the problem with empathy:
- Defining the problem : My girlfriend thinks that I am coming home late, eating and drinking outside by myself, and leaving her alone in the empty room.
- Analysis question : Why are you unhappy, just because you are high outside? The deep-seated reason should be that the time spent with her has decreased, she feels left out, does not care, and lacks a sense of security.
- Identify the solution : verbal comfort + commitment to improvement.
[Execution of the after-the-event plan] Pay attention before the implementation, the girlfriend is already unhappy, so pay attention to the second trick, deal with the emotions first, and then solve the problem .
Me: xxx, I came back too late, and I don’t have time to spend more time with you. You must think that I don’t care about you, and I don’t have you in my heart. I'm sorry, I was too careless and didn't do a good enough job...
(When you feel that your girlfriend has dealt with her emotions well, then solve the problem)
Me: I have deeply reflected on myself. If there are unavoidable gatherings in the future and I need to come back later, I will definitely report my situation to you regularly. I'll leave work early tomorrow night, let's go to xxx for dinner, give me a chance to make up, okay?
Finally, don't forget to evaluate the effect :
- Whether the problem has been solved : the girlfriend agreed, and her mood improved.
- The effectiveness of the solution : the girlfriend is quite satisfied.
- Summing up the experience : My girlfriend hopes that I have more time to spend with her. Should I go home early in the future? If you can't go home early, you should report regularly in the future and care about your girlfriend's situation at home.
This is an afterthought. If we have experienced more and summed up our experience, we will make progress: During the dinner party, I suddenly remembered that my girlfriend "may" be unhappy...
This time is in the works. Through the methodology of solving the problem, after empathy, we may determine such a solution:
- Immediately call your girlfriend to report the current situation, why you haven't gone back, when you expect to go back, etc.;
- Take a photo, report the situation in a teasing way, and then act when the opportunity arises;
- Got my girlfriend to pick me up and walk home together just in time for an excuse to leave.
- …
After a lot of experience, we can understand each other and know what the other person cares about. When we are doing certain similar things, we can subconsciously think of each other, which will become prior.
Before the dinner, you can empathize. If I predict that my girlfriend will be angry because I have to work overtime and have dinner, then there are more plans that can be implemented, such as doing a good job of explaining and promising to report at any time, when to go back, and so on.
In fact, if you can do empathy beforehand, then basically there will be no contradictions, and you will not make some mistakes.
summary
The reason why the complexity and challenge of dealing with two-person problems is much greater than that of dealing with single-person problems is that the goals we have to deal with have changed a lot. This article aims to let readers realize the following key points:
The key to a two-person problem is to deal with the emotions and expectations of the other person, and the key to a single-person problem is to deal with the problem itself .
Even though some people are aware of this, they still fail to change smoothly. The reason is that the problem-solving mindset cultivated since childhood is caused by it.
If we want to break through the boundaries and grow into a master problem solver, we must overcome the shackles brought about by our fixed thinking .
To solve the two-person problem, there are two tricks:
- Empathy & Empathy
- Deal with Emotions First, Problems Later
To achieve these two points, we need to cultivate these two thinking habits, and the most important key is continuous practice .
Although most of the scenes of two-person problems are in real life, the relationship between superiors and subordinates in the workplace is also a very typical scene of two-person problems, and these are all interlinked. If we can efficiently help our superiors solve problems, then we will be like ducks in water in the workplace, smooth all the way, and become the "direct descendants" of keyboard warriors.
It can be seen that striving to become a master at solving double problems can bring us a double harvest in the workplace and in love, and the effort it takes is worthwhile!
The "Becoming a Problem Solving Master" series of articles mainly consists of 3 articles, namely the introductory article, the advanced article and the expert article, which will deeply analyze a very important "thing"-problem for you . This article is an advanced article, and more highlights are in the expert article, so stay tuned.
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